One More to Four

For the Critics

2009-11-02T10:14:00.000-08:00

The following is opinionated and somewhat harsh.

Maybe I should just be quiet as this too shall pass but I really feel the need to comment. To all the critics out there and you know who you are. I've read your comments and normally I wouldn't pay any attention but my heart aches for the future of adoption, Ethiopian, domestic, and other international. Your uneducated musings about why Americans adopt are ridiculous and dangerous. You have no idea why one individual family chooses to adopt and thus, you shouldn't speculate. I don't really care what you say about me amongst yourselves. I'm sure you are saying it just to make yourselves feel better or probably you have nothing better to talk about. Adopting Rowan was a calling from God. It was God who pointed us to Ethiopia. It was He who chose this tiny, malnourished, sick child and entrusted us to care for him. Rowan is my son, MY SON! and I will rise up as fierce as a mother grizzly bear to defend him if I have to. It is our right to call him what we want, not yours, not the kebele's, not the orphanage staff. He was abandoned. His biological parents did not name him. We did! We who love him, adore him, care for him, feed him, change him, read to him, snuggle with him, hug him, kiss him, comfort him, teach him. We are his family, not you. We're not perfect. We know that. We're not black. We're not Ethiopian. We don't speak Amharic. I can make injera and dora wat but you probably wouldn't eat it. We're doing the best we can with what God gave us. He will provide what we need to raise this child to be a proud Ethiopian-American. You may criticize us and all AP's but unless you have a better idea of what to do with the 143 million orphans around the globe, please keep your backward opinions to yourself.

And the Cutest Baby Is..................ROWAN!!!!

2009-10-19T17:53:00.001-07:00

So you probably know by now that Rowan won the Babytalk Magazine/Good Morning America cover contest. Out of 50,000 entrants he was chosen as number one! That's pretty good, pretty exciting really. We didn't know he was going to win, I swear. Right up to the point the GMA staff was walking us downstairs to the studio they continued to tell us the other two families were also there. Oh, maybe I should start from the beginning. On October 2 we were informed GMA was not planning to bring the three families to New York for the unveiling which was scheduled for October 12. Adrian and I were disappointed and I took it to mean Rowan had not won. October 2 was a Friday and I spent the weekend a little depressed. By Monday I had accepted the inevitable and was actually a little relieved (that we weren't going). Heck, I didn't have to spend the week running around like crazy trying to find a NYC approved outfit and worrying about how I was going to do my hair. Tuesday was a normal crazy day here and I didn't open my computer until the evening after the children had gone to bed. What a shock to get an email from Victoria from Babytalk Magazine saying the staff did want us to come to NYC for the unveiling after all! Wow! I couldn't believe it. I had prayed that if Rowan had actually won God would change the minds of GMA and bring us to NY. This new news didn't mean that Rowan had won, I reminded myself, just another free trip to NY. So let the scramble to find myself an outfit begin. It was very frustrating having so little time to get ready for such a big event. We were going to be on national t.v.! I decided on Wednesday that I wasn't going to stress about what I was going to wear. I just didn't have time and I knew it wasn't worth it. And I must say, I didn't stress.
We were told all three families would be there and we weren't to contact them. This sent up red flags, especially for Adrian. He was pretty convinced Rowan was the winner. I wasn't so sure. At least I wasn't going to assume anything though I must admit it didn't make any sense to me to bring all three families to NY for the unveiling. However, I must say that when we got to NY I did scan the streets and hotel lobby for the other two families. If you've ever been to NYC you must be thinking that's what makes no sense. The streets are teeming with people and there was little chance of me seeing either family by chance. We enjoyed Sunday walking through a street market then retired early to give Rowan a bath. Monday we had to be at the ABC studio at 7:50 with our hair and makeup done. Still, they touched us up anyway and put mics on us. Rowan got a whole new outfit courtesy of The Children's Place. We were told they would put us in the audience and that the other two families were there already. O.kaaay. As they walked us down we met up with the hosts of the show like Sam Champion and Chris Cuomo and Robin Roberts. That was pretty neat! So as we were put in the audience I scanned it for the other two families and nope, I didn't see them. I wasn't surprised. Afterward, the folks from GMA and Babytalk joked about what bad liars they were. I understood. They were trying to keep a secret and it was a tough one to keep. I guess I don't need to tell you about the actual show because you can watch that on YouTube or the GMA site. The actual unveiling was a little bittersweet for me. This whole thing was a family affair and yet we weren't together as a family. I almost wish they hadn't brought us to NY. I would have liked to be with the girls for the moment of celebration. We still haven't celebrated in fact. When Rowan was announced as a finalist on September 1 it was so much more exciting and satisfying. It opened so many doors for us to talk about adoption and now it's over. Sam Champion did mention Rowan was adopted and it's in the magazine but he didn't ask us any questions about it and I so wanted to talk about it on national t.v. It was a bit of a let down. The whole contest for us was not about winning a gift card (which we haven't received yet, btw) or about bragging rights. We just wanted to spread the word about adoption. Now that the contest is over I'm afraid that platform is gone. We've gone back to being nobody special. Well, that's not entirely true. I still have the cutest baby in America and lots of people around here recognize him. Also, I do get to talk at my MOPS group in January and that reminds me, I'm supposed to write a brief article for the MOPS magazine, so that's something. It was really fun while it lasted and this is something Rowan will always have, not that he'll remember any of it, however.
The whole contest was fun and a bit surreal. I could see and feel God's hand in it the entire time and I hope to write about that someday. God really does have a heart for orphans and he takes care of them and blesses those who care for them. I love my son so much and not because he's the cutest baby. I love him because God gave him to me (all of us) and I feel so very blessed everyday because of him. It's an amazing kind of love, the kind only God can create.

FINALLY!!!

2009-10-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

No, he hasn't won. Yet. O.k. I have no idea if he won or if he is going to win but I do finally know when I'll know. MONDAY! Talk about waiting to the last minute. Truth is, I couldn't take it anymore and on October 1 I emailed Babytalk and asked when we would find out. I didn't ask if he won just when they would announce it and how. We received word on Friday, October 2 that the editor of Babytalk magazine would announce the winner live on Good Morning America on October 12. At that time GMA had no plans to bring the three families to the show. We were disappointed and I came to the conclusion that Rowan had not won. I don't mean to be arrogant here but Adrian and I thought that if Rowan had won they would want him on the show. He has a story to go with his cute smile, after all. Oh well. I did pray though that if he had won that God would change the minds of GMA and have us on the show. I was shocked when I finally checked my email Tuesday night and found one from Babytalk saying "Good news. The editors want to bring the families to New York for the show on Monday." If I hadn't been sitting down I really could have fallen over. I didn't get on my computer earlier in the day because the girls were using it for school. The weird thing is that Adrian didn't receive the email either on his blackberry because he didn't take it to the lake with him. He always has his blackberry with him. So here we are sitting on the couch Tuesday night trying to relax after the kid's have gone to bed and we have no idea how our world is about to turn upside down. Wow! I spent the next two days in a state of mild shock, floating around, but not on cloud nine. My cloudy mind also could have something to do with the fact that my house is in a state of constant disarray and I've had men drilling in my kitchen all week! Yes, in my kitchen. Back to Rowan. I am not assuming he won. That doesn't seem fair plus we were told that all three families are going to NY. I know a lot of people have told us they think he's won but thinking something, wanting it, and knowing it are three different things. It'll be great if he won, real exciting, but we'll come home from NY and on Tuesday I'll get up, put Luca on the bus, try to go for a run, weather permitting, home school Henley and Teagan, grocery shop, vacuum, make dinner. You get the idea. Life will go on. For now though I'm going to enjoy myself. For the next three days I get to imagine what it's going to be like to be on t.v. in New York City.

Still No News

2009-09-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

So it's been 29 days since finding out Rowan is in the top three of the GMA/Babytalk Magazine cover contest. People ask us all the time if he's won or when we'll find out the results but we don't know what to tell them because we don't know ourselves. Arghhh! The suspense is killing me! I know that is just a cliche so it's obviously not true but it is getting to me. My nerves are frayed and I find I'm being short with the children. The problem is not just not knowing. It's also not knowing when we'll know. At least the first time I had a set date to circle on the calendar. I just want the phone to ring and someone to tell me he won or he didn't win. Stop the torture and just tell me the results already. Of course, I want him to win and I'll be pretty devastated if he doesn't win but at this point I really do just want it all to be over.
I do take a lot of comfort in talking to God about it. I know he knows the results. Unfortunately, he's not spilling the beans. There are a lot of great passages in the Bible about patience and God's will and taking care of orphans (that would be feeding them and the like, not winning contests, btw). I also take comfort when I hold Rowan and think, "I've already won the prize. I got him!" It doesn't get any better than that! When I think of where we were a year ago: we had a referrel for this teeny tiny baby, a blurry picture of him and not a court date in site. That is true torture when it comes to wanting something to come and not knowing when it might happen. Every adoptive parent knows exactly what I'm talking about. It says in Habakkuk, "though it linger, wait for it; surely it will come to pass." This will come and pass and life will go on and I will wake up each morning and Rowan will wake up and I will parent him and love on him and thank God for him. And thank God for him.

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remembering the Day!

2009-09-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

So you must know by now that Rowan was one of the three finalists for the Good Morning America/Babytalk Magazine cover contest. It was quite an exciting morning, September 1. I got Luca on the bus at 7:20 and then went for a run. I had to calm my nerves somehow. When I got back Adrian, the girls, and Rowan had GMA on. Adrian thought he knew the results already because the public relations director from Mercyhurst had called him and said she found the winners online. Of course, Adrian wouldn't tell me the three so I immediately assumed Rowan wasn't one of them. I was chagrined and disappointed but kept it together for Henley and Teagan's sake. We got the video camera out and set it up so we could video both the t.v. and our reactions. I'm so glad we did! Of course, Adrian was playing me! First the girl. No surprise there. Then a boy, and not Rowan. Well, that's it, I thought. I had convinced myself Babytalk would pick one boy and two girls. When the host of GMA pulled the sheet from Rowan's picture I swear it took me a whole second to realize it was my son! I was so sure I was about to see a girl's picture that I didn't know what I was looking at. So there was a lot of screaming, jumping, and thanking God going on. What a happy moment! I still thank God. I have said from the beginning he has orchastrated this entire thing. We have not heard the results yet, nor do we know when we will hear. Of course, we want him to win but this entire process has been in God's hands and it still is. One of the best things to come from this entire process has been the opportunities we've had to talk about adoption. Tomorrow we have yet another chance. Adrian and I are going to have a radio interview with The Family Life Network which is a christian radio station out of New York. I have the station on all the time so I feel it's quite a privilege to soon be on it. (I don't think it's going to be live tomorrow though.) I've been praying for these opportunities and God has delivered. This is the third time the media has been interested in our story. God is so big there is no telling where else he may take this or take Rowan. My imagination doesn't stretch that far. For tomorrow, I'm praying that the words that come out of mine and Adrian's mouths will come from God. We want his work to be done. Please pray with us that we will speak articulately and with passion and that the person or persons who need to hear our message will be listening.

I know you can't vote anymore but you may still be able to watch the video clip so I'll leave these links up.
You can watch the video at http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8461204

You can also see a local news clip about us at YourErie.com

God is in control.

Twas the Night Before GMA

2009-08-31T19:09:00.001-07:00

Well, tomorrow is the day we find out if Rowan is one of the three finalists for the Good Morning America/Babytalk Magazine cover contest! What a wild ride it's been. It still feels a little like a dream. I'm actually not going to post much tonight. All I really want to say is that God is in control. Throughout this entire process I have felt God like never before. On Sunday, I was out for an early morning run before church when I rounded a corner and there before me was the most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen. It was so bright and clear. No, it wasn't raining. When I looked north toward the rainbow it was dark and cloudy. When I looked south it was clear blue skies. What I would have done for a phone (to call the girls) or a camera. It was so beautiful, I had to stop running and just stare at it for I don't know how long. I think the guy pulling out of his driveway a few houses away was a little concerned about this weird girl staring at the sky with her mouth hanging open. I'm not taking this as a sign Rowan is going to win. I'm just saying God is nearby and there is evidence everywhere you look.
I know God has orchestrated this entire journey and that if it ends tomorrow it is because God wants it to end. If it continues, it's because God wants it to continue. Of course, I want it to continue, but more so I want God's work to be done. I have prayed that he would use Rowan in this instance to advance his kingdom. Naturally, Rowan has no idea what's going on. As long as he gets his breakfast tomorrow, he'll be happy. I, on the other hand, may not be able to eat any breakfast, depending on how things go. So anyway, thank you all for your interest, prayers, and well-wishes. If you get a chance to watch Good Morning America tomorrow, do so. If not, check back here and I'll post the results. Until tomorrow.

NYC BLOG PHOTOS (59 photos), by Mia Spracklen

2009-08-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'd like to share my Snapfish photos with you. Once you have checked out my photos you can order prints and upload your own photos to share.

New York Update!

2009-08-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

We are back from NYC and we had a fabulous time! So good, in fact, I wish we could go back and do it all over again. It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I so appreciate that fact. I want to tell you every single detail of our trip because in doing so I'll be able to relive it. Of course, you might not be interested in every single detail from our trip so maybe I'll leave a few out. We arrived Thursday, August 6 at about 12:30 but couldn't check into our hotel room until 3:00 so after changing Rowan's diaper on the bathroom floor in the lobby (Yes you read that right. Don't worry, I put down tons of very thick napkins.) we headed out to walk around the city. We had a great time exploring and the weather was perfect, warm but no humidity. We ate dinner at ESPN Zone and Rowan learned to drink milk out of a straw. When we got back to the hotel we expected there to be some sort of information packet from Babytalk but there was nothing. By seven we were pretty worried so Adrian went down to the lobby to ask the staff. (This hotel has hosted the families for this event in years past.) Oops! They forgot to give us our welcome packet. Finally, some information! Rowan's photo shoot was scheduled for 11:30 Friday. He was the fifth baby scheduled and the last one before the staff took a lunch break. The papers we got listed the names of the other seven finalists and we couldn't help but pore over the names and try to figure out what they were like. For example, we figured there were at least four girls but with three names we could only speculate. Some were obviously white. Some were not. Some had two parents. Some just had a mom. Anyway, we were relieved to have a plan for the morrow. We decided we would get up, walk to the studio so we would know where it was, have breakfast in our room and put Rowan down for a nap before his 11:30 showing. We executed our plan flawlessly. The hard part was getting Rowan down for a nap in a very small hotel room where he could sense our presence. Adrian came up with a brilliant plan. We turned the radio on and the lights off. While Adrian put Rowan in the portable crib I opened and shut the door as if we were leaving. Then as quick as a flash Adrian and I dove into this tiny space between the bed and the wall where we half-lay, half-sat until we heard no more crying. It was uncomfortable but it worked! In that time of crouching in the dark on Friday morning I decided it was a great time to pray. I wanted the photo shoot to go really well and I was super nervous. My stomach was doing flipflops and I couldn't eat anything so I just pored out my heart to God asking for his favor, asking that he go with us, asking for prayer cover, thanking him for this awesome opportunity. I was so emotional that Adrian noticed. It was more than nerves at this point though. Rowan is such an answer to prayer, such a blessing to us. How do you say thank you for a miracle? What do you say? Seven months previous we were in New York City at JFK airport with a very tiny, very sick baby. The weather was horrible and I was frightened our flight would be delayed and we'd be spending the night searching for a hospital to take Rowan to. His breathing was so shallow, so scary. To be able to come back under such different circumstances could only be orchestrated by God. Why he chose us, I don't know. What his plans are for this, I don't know. All I could say was thank you for this miracle child and for this opportunity to show him off. I was able to pull myself together before the shoot in order to get myself and Rowan ready. We have some very funny pictures of me trying desperately to do his hair. It was a short walk to the studio and then 13 floors up in the elevator. Before the doors opened on the 13th floor we held hands as a family and said a quick prayer. The shoot went really well and it was so much fun. Rowan was fabulous. He smiled right on cue and didn't move. They loved him! I would give him a ten out of ten for how well the shoot went. He wore two different outfits, one with a hat! LOL. They even took pictures of me and him together. How fun! Good thing I put makeup on! Hahaha! The cherry on the cake was that we got to talk about adoption. Orchestrated by God? Absolutely! Later that day we got to meet the other finalists and I have to say they were all pretty cute especially the boys. The three finalists will be announced on Good Morning America on September 1. I can't believe I have to wait that long! I must say I desperately want him to win and I have been praying for that specifically. I also must say that I am struggling with that emotion because I want God's will to be done and I know that Rowan winning might not be his plan. I'm also struggling because I know this is just a fleeting moment in time and it seems to me there are other more pressing matters. However, I also recognize that this could be a wonderful opportunity to showcase adoption to the whole country. If Rowan was chosen as the finalist he would be on GMA. What a great outlet to speak passionately about such an important topic. Obviously, I've got it all figured out in my mind. LOL! I am asking that you would join me in praying about this.
Saturday we left our hotel just before nine and got back just before five. We spent the day walking to Central Park, going to the Natural History Museum, checking out St. Patrick's Cathedral and the American Girl Store (we didn't buy anything). Even though it was two miles away we decided to go to an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner. It was worth it. On the way back we had to stop at Kmart to buy a new pack of diapers. Need I say more?
Sunday we walked to a nearby playground to let Rowan play. We met a very nice couple who lived nearby with two children, one 13 months old. The mom was from England and the dad an African-American. We talked hair-care-products and preschool before saying goodbye. Rowan suddenly developed a belly ache and screamed the whole walk back to the hotel (about 20 minutes). Other than that incidence we had a wonderful, magical time. I know it was prayer cover that allowed everything to go so well so I must say thank you, thank you, thank you. Our girls also had a great time with my parents so a huge thank you to them as well.
Now I'm counting down the days till September 1. In my mind of course Rowan is the cutest, but we have no idea what the photographs look like. We'll just have to wait and see. My plan is to schedule something fun for September 1, that way if he is a finalist we can celebrate, and if he's not at least we'll be doing something special. Keep praying and watch GMA September 1!

A Cover Contest Finalist!

2009-07-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well God sure knows how to surprise a girl! Purely on a whim, or what I thought at the time was a whim, I entered Rowan's picture in a photo contest for BABYTALK Magazine. Of course, I knew he probably wouldn't be chosen but it was only going to cost me $.9 for the print and $.42 for a stamp so why not take a chance. I did think they never do choose the really cute ones and I'm sure there are some parents out there right now thinking that very thought. But holy cow wouldn't you know about a month ago someone from BABYTALK called me to say Rowan was being considered as a finalist for the contest! I think I would have fallen over except that I was up to my elbows in frosting. I was throwing a birthday party for Luca at a local park and it was seriously threatening rain so I was super stressed and my kitchen was a mess. When I got this call from Victoria from New York I was so shocked I think I just said something like "oh, o.k. thanks." I hung up the phone and got back to my frosting which, of course, I had to make from scratch. Why go the easy route, right? Anyway, Adrian and I had to both fill out some background check forms and submit them to ABC since Good Morning America is a sponsor. It's their policy I guess. After nearly three weeks of stress and prayer on my part, they called to congratulate me Friday. Rowan is a finalist! He is one of eight babies chosen from a field of 50,000! Wow! Rowan will have a photo shoot in New York in August! A photo shoot in New York City! Adrian and I have had a good laugh over this one. I mean, who really expects their kid to be chosen, no matter how cute they are? Certainly not us. This is something that happens to other people, not us. I guess now it's our turn. So we are extremely proud of our extremely cute kid. Of course, since he is adopted we can take no credit for his good looks. I give God all the glory for this. I know he orchestrated this from the moment I walked into Children's Place and saw the ad for the contest to the moment I snapped the photo. I am not a good photographer yet I got a good picture. That wasn't me. It was God. I don't know what his plans are for this. Maybe this is as far as it goes or this could be a wonderful opportunity for adoption and for Ethiopia. The top prize is a gift card to Children's Place but the real prize would be having an adopted child, an Ethiopian on the cover of a national magazine! I heard on the radio today that you should be specific when praying. If you are general you'll get general answers. I'm being specific in my prayers about this opportunity. I'm praying Rowan is comfortable during the photo shoot and smiles a lot and has fun. That he's not sick or tired or hungry or has puffy eyes as he sometimes does. I'm praying he doesn't bump his head or scratch his face before the shoot. I"m praying he is chosen as one of the final three. ( The general public gets to vote for their favorite once it's narrowed down to three.) For the millions of children out there who don't have a home I am praying that Rowan can stand up for them and give them a face and maybe an opportunity for something most of us take for granted, a family. Please pray with me and pray specifically and please pass this prayer request on to everyone you know. Give them my blog address. Tell them to read this. The photo shoot is on August 7. I don't have any other details now but will update as I learn more. Pray for Rowan. Pray for Ethiopia. Pray for orphans.

A Little on the SHORT Side

2009-07-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

Rowan is doing tremendously well. He has come so far in such a short time. Six months ago at six months of age he couldn't hold his head up, sit up by himself, or drink without dribbling. Today, at a year old he is belly crawling, starting to cruise along the couch, and he eats anything we put in front of him. He's also gained 11 pounds and grown four inches! Unfortunately, he's still short. I'll be honest. I'm a little worried. When you think about it, four inches in six months really isn't that big a deal. I've known adopted kids who grew two inches in two weeks! Rowan is obviously taking his time. Babies are supposed to grow ten inches their first year so Rowan has some catching up to do. We're going to give it another year before we really worry. I can't help but pray about it though. Before we got our referrel, one of my prayers was that he would be tall. I grew up in a short family and I didn't and don't want him to go through the hardships I saw some of them go through especially my sister. I just know life will be a little harder for him if he is short. It's not fair and it shouldn't matter but it does and it will. I am trying very hard to remember that God is in charge, that he has great plans for Rowan, and that this is something I need to trust him for completely. I must not pray my will into Rowan's life but rather God's. I'm still going to pray that he'll grow. How could I not?
Even though Rowan is doing so much better, he is still not reaching all his milestones when he should so we have an appointment with a neurologist next week. Amazingly, the neurologist is actually in Erie so we don't have to go to Pittsburgh. Yeah! We don't expect there to be anything wrong but we do need to be proactive. Hopefully next week I'll have nothing to report.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROWAN!

2009-06-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, June 30, is Rowan's first birthday! We aren't going to do much. Since it's Luca's birthday July 2 we are having the four girls from next door over for lunch so we'll celebrate both their birthday's together. Adrian is out of town and that really puts a damper on the whole thing. I got him a Thomas the Tank Engine musical caboose, a shape sorter, and a toy piano. I think the girls will be more excited than Rowan. I'll put a candle in a banana (his favorite food) and take a picture.
I feel very blessed to have this little miracle in my life. He truly is a miracle. As I think of where he came from and how he came to us I can't help but think of all the other possibilities. He could have so easily died. The various scenarios keep running through my mind. What if his mom abandoned him and no one found him? What if the Kebele took him to a different orphanage, one who wouldn't have cared for him like Hope did? He was malnourished when we got him and I know Hope did the best they could. What if his mom kept him? That is the scariest scenario to me. Knowing his physical limitations and the health problems he's had, if he was still in Ethiopia he would probably be the equivalent of a sixth-month-old not a 12-month-old. Even now, Rowan's physical therapist says he is like an eight-month-old. He's had to overcome RSV, tracheamalacia (still working on that one), and low tone (definitely still working on that one.) Of course, I have to remember that he also has had or will have to overcome being abandoned, leaving the only home and people he knew, losing his culture and his language, never knowing his history and coming to a cold land where he will certainly be judged by his skin color sometime (probably many times) in his life. He doesn't know it yet, but he's black and we all here are white. Of course, I also have to remember that he has also gained a family: three crazy sisters who absolutely adore him, a father who I've never seen so proud (o.k. maybe three other times) and me, a mom who pours out her heart to God everyday for this child who I would lay down my life for. People who haven't adopted always say how blessed the adopted child is to have a family. They mean well, but those of us who have adopted know the real truth. It's the other way around. We are the ones who are blessed!
I love Rowan so much and I thank God for him. On this, the eve of his first birthday, I must also thank God for his mother. (I actually thank God for her all the time. How could I not? Look what she gave me.) How I wish I could meet her, tell her thank you, show her her beautiful son, ask her why. I pray she is still alive, that she knows God, and that God will heap tons of blessings upon her. I also pray that maybe, just maybe some day we might find her. So as you think about Rowan over the next few days please remember his mother too and all she did for him and how her great sacrifice gave so much to us.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROWAN MICHAEL KIDUS SPRACKLEN!

Scope Update

2009-05-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Rowan had his scope on Monday at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. We left Sunday to take the girls to my parent's in Akron, Ohio. We were told we would probably have to stay overnight at the hospital so we had to pack for several contingencies. We left my mom's at 4 a.m. Monday morning in order to get to Pittsburgh by 6:30. Sure, that was fun. What a great hospital though. The staff was absolutely wonderful. Not only professional, but caring and friendly too. We felt really well taken care of. I was able to go into the O.R. with Rowan for the beginning of his surgery. Before the docs anestitized him, Dr. Kitsko scoped his voice box. He wanted to see it while Rowan was crying, not asleep. It was normal, by the way. It was so cool to see. Most parents who opt to go into the O.R. only go until their child is put under but since part of Rowan's procedure started before anesthesia I got to see more. The docs were worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it, seeing him cry. Silly, silly. I wasn't worried about Rowan. I knew he'd be fine. I just wanted to see as much of his surgery as possible. I would have stayed for the whole thing if they'd let me. I should go back to school to be an O.R. nurse, but when would I have time to do that? The surgery lasted about an hour and a half. After about an hour I started to get pretty nervous because I thought it was only supposed to last about 45 minutes but all was well. Dr. Kitsko came and confirmed what we had been told to suspect: tracheamalacia. Rowan's trachea is underdeveloped, floppy, and about 60% of the size it should be. It's pretty rare, of course, and there is no way of knowing what caused it. The good news is that it should self-correct by 36 months, possibly earlier. The doc also put him on anti-reflux drugs. I guess I should get that prescription filled. After doing some research online my only concern is that tracheamalacia may also indicate other problems like reflux, developmental delays, and heart defects. He's definitely got developmental delays but that could be explained by being in an institution for five months. Doctor Kitsko seems to think he has reflux but that is easily fixed, isn't it? Heart defect? Two short words that make my blood run cold. I wouldn't normally worry except that he sweats so much when he sleeps and eats I finally googled it and it also said it could be a sign of a heart defect. Wow! It's probably nothing and I don't plan on worrying but I sure will be praying and yeah, Trini, I'll call his pediatrician to see what she thinks. He continues to be an absolute joy and worth everything we did to get him here. God's timing is so perfect. Right now in Ethiopia there are so many delays and they have put a stop to all adoptions of baby's who were abandoned in Addis Ababa, which was Rowan. Even though parent's have gotten referrels of children they may not get their children home for a very long time. How thankful I am to be able to hold him so close to me every day, every day. There is also a serious formual shortage in Ethiopia now. Babies are not getting the nutrition they need. Children are dying for lack of food (not just orphans, I mean). Why should any child cry because they have an ache in their tummy? Why should any mom cry in anguish because she has to watch her child go hungry day after day? Can you imagine having to make the decision to give up your child so that they might eat and therefore live? I have so much to be thankful for, more than I recognize. I'm sure you do too. Thank God today for all you have and pray for these children and parents who have so little. If you are interested check out Tom Davis' blog. He just returned from Ethiopia and has a lot to say about the state of orphans there. You'll have to google it since my neighbor always sends it to me I'm not sure of the exact address.

Update

2009-04-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Our trip to Pittsburgh was successful on Tuesday despite lots of bands of snow squalls on the way down and back. The Modified Barium Swallow Test showed that Rowan has no problems swallowing at all and everything is going down the right tube. Nothing is being aspirated into his lungs. That's good news. Of course, we still don't know what is wrong. We've just eliminated one more possibility. The scope I talked about earlier will now be scheduled though I don't know when.
Rowan continues to be a joy and everyone who sees him says he's grown, and I think he has too. He's starting to get another chin, dimples in his elbows and a little chunk on his thighs but for the amount he eats he should have three chins and dimples everywhere. Of course, he did poop five times yesterday. Oh well.

To Pittsburgh and Back

2009-03-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

Rowan is sick and we don't know what is wrong with him. We've been to Pittsburgh three times in the last eight days. For those of you not from around here, that's a two hour drive. We've filled our car three times already this week and it's on empty again. Rowan has always had this breathing problem. He always sounds like he is congested. He suffers from sleep apnea. He has a hard time eating and breathing, though he sure makes a good go of it. He has put on some weight since we brought him home but not much, not for the amount that he eats. He's barely grown at all in the inch department. Maybe a quarter of an inch, maybe. Something's wrong, something just isn't right. But what is it? He is a happy, happy baby. He eats really well, loves to eat, loves it. He sleeps through the night but doesn't sleep soundly. He's bonded with us and the girls. He's small for his age but what is his age really? There are so many puzzle pieces but we don't know what the picture looks like. So last Wednesday we went to Pittsburgh Children's Hospital to see a pulmonologist. I didn't understand much of what he said but it was a relief to finally have a doctor agree with us and say there is something wrong. One thing I remember him saying is that Rowan's lungs are hyper-inflated. I don't know what that means. Sorry. He referred us to a GI specialist because Rowan's abdomen protrudes so much. She thought he wasn't gaining weight because he is using so many calories just to breathe he's got none left over for growth. She ordered lots of tests, blood work to check for parasites and an ultrasound of his belly and chest. He's already had chest and abdomen x-rays. Yesterday we were back in Pittsburgh to see an ENT specialist. He thinks it could be reflux, though Rowan rarely spits up. He prescribed zantec or something like that to see if that helps. After seeing the GI on Friday and then the ENT yesterday we thought we were finally making some headway. However, after talking to the pulmonologist we feel like we're back to square one. He disagrees with both the GI and ENT specialist. Arghhh! What they all agree on however, is that they all need to do a scope. What's a scope? I don't know. What I understand is that they put Rowan under using anesthesiology (did I spell that right?) and then put a camera down his throat or nose and take pictures and biopses of his esophagus, stomach, intestine, lung... I'm not scared, just worried. What if they don't find anything? What if they do this and still don't know what is wrong with him. Why isn't he growing and why is this so hard to figure out? I'm so tired. My poor Henley celebrated her tenth birthday yesterday at home with her sisters and grandma while Adrian and I took Rowan to Pittsburgh. I want this to end but I want it to end with a clear answer, but what if there is no clear answer? The scope was set for Monday but it's been post-poned till all three doctors can attend. Hopefully, we'll find out tomorrow when the new date is. I know God knows what the problem is. I just pray He will tell these doctors the solution.

Love

2009-01-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

I know when some mothers are pregnant with their second child they often think "how can I love this child as much as I love the one I already have?" I never thought that. I figured if I have this much love for my first child than certainly I will have the same amount for the next, and the next after that. I was right. Love can be limitless. It still is. This child, this little boy with his big brown eyes, coarse hair, ready smile, and smooth brown skin has captured my heart like I can't explain. I have as much joy for him as I have for my Luca. I have as much worry for him as I have for my Teagan. I have as much pride for him as I have for my Henley. Rowan is beautiful and wonderful and has so much potential. I can't wait to show him off. I can't wait to watch him grow, to see what kind of boy he is going to be. I don't know anything about him. Will he be short or tall, athletic, musical, smart, or not so smart. Will he laugh a lot or will he be serious? I don't know. I feel excitement at his unknown potential and also sadness. I can give him nothing about his past, his parents. He is going into this life blind yet he will go forward with love. I can pray him forward and pray for his security. I am his mother and he is my son. I love him more than words can say. God loves him more than I do and God knows him inside out, where he came from and where he is going. Thank God for God.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

We're Back!

2009-01-13T17:48:00.000-08:00

First, I have to say sorry I didn't blog while in Ethiopia. The internet connection was so slow I couldn't even get on to my blog. I was able to check email and email my girls but that was about it. The Bole Rock Hotel, though nice and comfortable, was definitely not an American hotel.
Since I wasn't able to write while there I won't be able to recreate our entire trip. I think instead I'll just recall some points that stick out in my mind.
The altitude. I'm a pretty fit person but by the time I climbed three flights of stairs in the hotel my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. Maybe by the last day I was starting to get used to it but the climb still made me breathe hard and my heart pound.
The diesel fumes. Apparently Ethiopia had no emissions regulations and all the cars are diesel and old and the fumes while sitting in traffic were overpowering. They also have very few traffic lights and no seat belt laws. Ethiopian drivers are very proficient at using their horns but not in a rude way. They beep to let you know they aren't stopping so you'd better get out of the way.
The beggars. They weren't necessarily everywhere but they were a lot of places. Begging is illegal in Ethiopia though that didn't stop most people. As we were driving down a busy street (and they were all busy) a boy, about eight to ten years old, was running next to our car against traffic with his hand out. Right before he was about to get smacked by a wing mirror of a passing truck an old man reached out with two hands and grabbed this boy. Then he laid into him apparently telling him off for begging. It's not only illegal but also degrading.
Hope's Place. Hope's Place is the orphanage where Kidus (Rowan) was at. I cried the first time I stepped over the threshold and saw all these beautiful brown faces so eager to be held. I cried when I climbed the steps to the baby room and saw my son for the first time. I recognized him right away. He was being spoon-fed runny rice cereal from a cup. That's my son. He's beautiful and he's mine. My boy. My boy.
Love. Some people question whether they are going to love their adopted child as much as they love their biological children. I'll be honest. I did. I had no idea what to expect but it was love at first sight. Love with a capital L. It was so easy to say "I love you" to him, to snuggle him, to kiss him. I was amazed at the love that poured out of my heart for this little 12-pound baby that I had just set eyes upon. It was overwhelming and wonderful.
Injera. Injera is the main bread they eat in Ethiopia. It is made of Teff flour and is flat and spongy and often sour. They lay a large round piece of injera on your plate and then spoon bits of stew or lentils on top. Ethiopians don't use silverware. Instead they break off a bit of injera and sop it up. I found it delicious and messy. After you eat and before, in fact, someone brings a bowl and pitcher around so you can rinse your hands. Just think, no silverware to wash.
A mother and her two kids. Of all the people I saw in Ethiopia these three stick in my mind. A mother sat on the side of the road with a baby on one leg and what looked like a three-year-old on the other. They just sat there on the sidewalk of this busy road. The fumes were awful and I just thought this is not what a three-year-old should be doing. She should be in preschool or playing with barbies or watching Seseme Street. She probably hadn't eaten anything that day I saw her, nothing that is but diesel fumes. The heartbreak this mother must feel being able to give her children nothing but her lap. Is that good enough?
Ethiopian Christmas. We were so fortunate to be in Ethiopia for their Christmas which they celebrate on January 7. It is not like our Christmas though. It is not commercialized and it is not extended beyond the day. Everyone was back at work or school the next day. Business as usual. Together with the two other Hope families we traveled with we bought a live sheep for the orphanage to have for Christmas. They killed it and we ate sheep and injera, played games, and danced. It was so neat to be able to celebrate Christmas at the orphanage. I don't have the words to explain it. There was so much joy and happiness and absolutely no commercialization. It was how Christmas should be. Plus, it had been Henley's prayer that we would have Rowan for Christmas. We did. God answered her prayer.
Sarsina and her brother Thomas. Sarsina is a 14-year-old girl who is going to be adopted by a family from Washington. Because she doesn't live at the Hope orphanage Adrian, Holly, and I drove to her house to visit her and take some pictures. What a beautiful girl. Though she lives with her brothers, and uncle, she is being adopted because she had been caring for her grandmother but then her grandmother died. Sarsina and her relatives live in a house smaller than my kitchen. There is no running water but there is electricity. There was two beds in one part of the house, a few benches, a kerosene burner for boiling water, an injera cooker, and a small tv. Oh yeah, there was a chicken too tied to a chair. We were so struck by this family's maturity, generosity, and love. They made us hot tea and shared their bread with us. Thomas loves soccer, wants to coach, and is studying PE. Adrian and I talked about trying to bring him to the US to go to Mercyhurst. Please pray for him and that this might happen.
Emirates Air. If you're flying to Africa or the Middle East it's a great airline to fly with. Nobody can make 14 hours comfortable but Emirates sure goes out of their way to try.
Holly and Kenneth and Donna and Michael. These are the two other Hope families we got to travel with to pick up our kids. We had the best time with them and now consider them all friends.
Adrian. My husband. It took more than five years of my praying for God to change Adrian's heart for adoption and boy did He. Watching him play with all the children at the orphanage was precious and priceless and now to see how much he loves his son, Rowan, does my heart good, to say the least. It is truly amazing. God is amazing.
Our first week. Not an easy week and not the week I would have chosen. Rowan came home pretty sick. We were concerned and felt lucky to see the pediatrician on Monday. Tuesday was such a bad night for him that we called the doctor again Wednesday and per her suggestion we hospitalized him. It scared me to death and I cried all the way home from the doctor's. They took lots of blood and ran lots of tests and just as expected he tested positive for RSV (Respitory Syncytial Virus). His breathing was so weak they gave him an IV and oxygen treatments. That helped and he only had to stay two nights. He is still pretty sick but not scary sick. Hopefully in the next week or two we'll notice significant improvement. So we've been home almost a week and have barely been home at all. Time is not my own (not that it ever was) and I am still adjusting to have a baby in the house again. I think he will be our baby but he might not be our last. God maybe calling us again. I don't know. I hope if He is that we will be brave enough to do as he asks.
Thank you all for your prayers and I ask that you would continue to remember us as you pray.

Goodbye Good Ole USA, Hello Ethiopia!

2008-12-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

We leave tomorrow and I can't think of anything to write about. Henley asked me if I was excited and I said, "I will be tomorrow." I'm not excited nor am I nervous anymore. It's all so unreal that I feel very little. Now tomorrow I probably will be excited and nervous but now...
I feel very blessed. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my country. I love my church. I love getting up in the morning and going for a run. It's good for my body and my brain. After I shower and I'm enjoying a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of green tea I feel such satisfaction. When I miss a cardiovascular workout my days just aren't so nice. I'll admit, I'm a little grumpy. I realize that in two weeks when I bring a six-month-old home those morning runs may be a thing of the past, at least temporarily. Of course, the weather in January in Erie usually puts a damper on an hour-long run anyway but.......my point is, my life as I know it now is about to change in a big way. I'm o.k. with that. Actually, I guess I am excited. I already love my son and I can't wait to meet him. However, I know that when we bring him home there is going to be this big adjustment period where we will all have to reconfigure our lives. I homeschool so I will probably have to lower my standards a bit and have the girls do as much independent work as possible. We already have Rowan's carseat in the van and boy is it cramped. The girls have to crawl under it to get to their seats. We put the crib up in our room and there is barely room to walk. I cleared out two drawers in my dresser for Rowan's clothes and there is no room for more. That's o.k. though. Boy's clothes just aren't as cute as girl's. I realize life is going to be different but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very good thing. God often wants us to let go of the good so that He can lead us to something better. Our life in Erie has been very comfortable which we have enjoyed but God doesn't always want us to be comfortable. He wants us to rely on him completely and that often means going to the unknown. For us, that unknown will lead us to Ethiopia to a boy just six-months old who will change our lives forever. Yeah, I guess I am excited. Thank you God for this great adventure and thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive throughout this journey. We have had nothing but help, encouragement, and excitement from family and friends. You all must know how much that means to us, to know we are not alone in this. We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

Nerves of Noodles

2008-12-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

I woke up Thursday morning early and realized right away that OMG (oh my gosh) it's one week from today that we leave for Ethiopia! My nerves are all over the place. I've got that butterfly in my tummy-thing going all the time. I can't even begin to explain all the thoughts that are running through my head. I know everyone is so excited for us and the girls are beside themselves with excitement and joy but I'm running the gammot of emotions from elation to "what have I got myself into?". I'll be honest with you, I'm scared. Really quite frightened. To start with I'm afraid to fly. I hate it. We have three flights going: Cleveland to New York. New York to Dubai. Dubai to Addis Ababa. That middle flight to Dubai is 12 hours. On the way back it's 14! Fourteen hours with a six-month-old who just met us. Man, do we need some major prayer cover. Please, please remember to pray for us.
I'm also afraid of what I'm going to see there. We all know poverty exists but most of us never have to look it in the face. My courage fails me on this. To be honest I'd really like to continue to be ignorant about how the other half lives. I don't want to see three-year-olds begging in the street or see people so thin they barely exist. The despair, the hopelessness, the desperation. And how am I going to look at all the children in the orphanage (the lucky ones) who are hoping I'm their mommy, hoping it's finally their turn to go home, to have a family. How can I love on my son and ignore all the other children desperate for attention? It hurts to think about it and I really wish I could bypass this pain. In China they bring your child to you in a hotel. You never set foot in an orphanage. I suppose they don't want you to know but I get to know and I get to see. I get to see how these children live, where my son comes from, and meet who takes care of him. Isn't that grand? Isn't it? Oh how easy life is now. And how about in six months or a year? When I'm home and these pictures are just that, pictures in my camera and in my head. If they never go beyond that... what good are they? How can I see and not do? Isn't faith without actions dead? Yet, I'm not an action girl, never was. I'm quite passive, really. I always want to do more, wish I could do more, admire people who do do more and one day hope that I will do more. Maybe this time will be that time. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I've got food in my belly and a house full of toys. I've got family, friends, and faith. It's so easy to be content and lazy when life is easy. I don't want to be lazy but it sure is nice being comfortable. I think for now, at least, God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He is leading me somewhere very uncomfortable but he is not leaving me. He will not abandon me. He will not forsake me. I will go where he leads and I'll try to be brave. I'll try to be strong. I'll do what I can and pray that is enough, until he leads me somewhere else.

Travel Date: January 1!

2008-12-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

It'll be one week tomorrow since we passed court and it'll be two weeks today that we leave for Ethiopia! Wow! We were originally told our embassy date was January 14 but that is Ethiopian New Year so it has been moved to January 7, which happens to be Ethiopian Christmas. What a whirlwind. Instead of having 4 1/2 weeks till travel we now have two and of course, our Christmas falls in the middle so I am trying to prepare for this trip, gather paperwork, Christmas shop, home school, and oh yeah, make dinner, do laundry, vacuum, grocery shop, work out...I could go on and on. Hey, and I'm not stressed. Not yet at least. Next week, who knows.
Adrian and I made the difficult decision today not to take the girls with us. We tried everything we could think of to make it work but it wasn't enough. Our tickets are $1800+ each and to take the three of them would have wiped out our savings. Once upon a time I would have been willing to do that but now with the economy so shaky it just wouldn't be wise. It breaks my heart though. They prayed every day and night that we would be able to go as a family. This week Teagan put a $5 dollar bill in our adoption jar. "Do you know what I want more than money, Mom," she said to me. I was afraid to ask as I saw her standing with that jar in her hand. "I want this adoption." I had to turn away I was going to cry. Henley asks every day how much money we have. She more than the other two wants to go so badly. "Do we have enough money, Mom, do we have enough money?" I don't have the heart to tell her no, we don't. I don't know why we didn't get any grants. I don't know why all our fundraising efforts fell short. I don't know why God doesn't want them to go. It's hard to write this even now because it hurts so much to think of leaving them behind when they've been as much a part of this as I have. I want them to be with us when we see Rowan for the first time. I want them to see where he comes from. I want, I want, I want. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what they want. Some prayers get answered the way we hope they will and some don't. This one didn't. Oh how it hurts. I know I have to trust God about this and I do but I sure don't understand. I suppose that is what trusting God is all about though; leaning on him when you can't see and don't understand. It is so hard though to watch a child (or two) try to be brave and try to fight back tears and have no words of comfort for them. I cried myself.

WE HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

An early morning phone call brought the news I was so hoping to hear. "Congratulations, you passed!" Wow! What a wonderful moment. Only Henley was up to hear the good news so we enjoyed a quick hug and then climbed back into bed to stave off the morning chill as we waited for the other two to get up and for Adrian to come home from practice.
While this may seem to be the beginning of the end I realize that it is actually the beginning of the...beginning. Our paper pregnancy is almost over but raising this child is what it is all about. We haven't had a baby in the house in five years. I don't remember what it's like to be at the beck and call of a child who can't do anything for himself. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all that fun stuff again. I'm not, but I can say I can't wait to do it all again. January 12 can't come soon enough.
During my quiet time with God today I turned to Psalms and came upon Psalm 40 which I had previously partially hi-lighted. For those of you who know me, you will understand why it speaks so personally to me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:1-3
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
Psalm 40:6-8

I did say yes to adoption but it wasn't an easy yes to say. Even last night I lay awake thinking of all the "what ifs." What if he's sick? What if he doesn't sleep? What if he has learning disabilities? I could go on but I suppose the biggest what if would be what if I said no? What if I had said NO?! I shudder to think. What would I be missing? What would this family be missing?
What about you?

Friday is the Big Day!

2008-12-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

After being away for a month and home now for a week the countdown to our court date is just about over. Tomorrow, September 12 is the big day. After having three children will I finally be able to say "it's a boy!"? Only God knows and He is keeping mum, much to my annoyance. I would like a hint, a clue, a sign, something, anything. Should I be preparing myself for bitter disappointment? Not that I'd be able to. I'm the type that hopes till hope has long sailed away. Needless to say, I often end up hurt. Maybe tomorrow I will go to bed hurt, angry, and bitter. I know we could be denied for any number of reasons. Sometimes I wonder if my medical history might cause problems. I think that is a possibility though I hope not. Maybe our rep won't show up. Maybe our paperwork won't be in order. Maybe the judge will be in a bad mood. Maybe there will be no hearings tomorrow for unknown reasons. Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many possibilities.
I had a restless night last night full of tossing and turning, strange dreams about snakes shedding their skins, and broken prayers. My prayers which should be so focused have been so scattered and confused. Someone said to me this morning that God wouldn't lead us this far and then abandon us. True, but He could shut the door. Someone else said that sometimes God pushes the "pause" button. I like that analogy. It makes more sense to me than saying God has His own timing. I don't know why but it does. I wonder if He's pushed that pause button for us. If He has, it'll hurt. I believe in God's timing and I know he's got more sense than me but the problem is that He doesn't often give explanations for this timing. I guess it's only a problem for me, not God.
I'm not sure when I'll hear tomorrow or even how I'll hear. I think Grace emails instead of calls but we'll see. I know this. I'll go to bed praying, wake up praying and pray through my workout. I'll go to bed hoping for the best, wake up hoping for the best and hope until I hear otherwise.
If God listens to the prayers of children, we've got this in the bag.

Update on Kidus

2008-11-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

Grace is in Ethiopia so I've gotten a very short update on my soon-to-be son. As any PAP would tell you any information is very much appreciated but it is never enough. It is like having just a taste of something delectable. It always leaves you wanting more. Unfortunately, the information she had for me didn't ease my mind. She wrote that the two times she saw him he was in a bad mood! What does this mean? He's only four months old. How can a four-month-old be in a bad mood? Of course, I worried. Could there be something wrong that is causing him to be cranky? Is he sick? Does he need more food, more attention, more love? Does he need his momma cause his momma sure needs him. December 12 can't come around fast enough. Oh, I just want him home. Home with me. Home with his dad, with his sisters. Home where he belongs. Lord, please bring him home soon. SOON! I mustn't stop praying. I must leave nothing to chance. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and it is taking more faith then I have most days. I don't know how anyone could do this and not know God. It is unfathomable to me because this process is so long, so arduous, so unpredictable, so scary, so exciting, so joyful. God has been there for those scary moments when I've had to throw up my hands and say "take the wheel, Lord" and for those joyous moments when I just scream "thank you Lord, thank you." He is always one step ahead of me and is a pioneer in my day. Isn't that comforting! Thank you Lord for adopting me as your child. Thank you for choosing me to be an adoptive mom. Thank you for my little boy. Thank you for being a pioneer in my life, for going before me and paving the way. Thank you Lord.

Disappointment!

2008-11-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

I had hoped to hear from Shaohannah's Hope about our grant application before leaving for Victoria on Saturday and today I got my wish. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Nothing. We got nothing. NOTHING! It wasn't just disappointment I felt when I read their very nicely worded rejection form letter. I was surprised, really surprised. I truly thought, believed, and I guess hoped that they would bless us. I cried, of course. I felt fear too because this blow starts to shatter the dream I have of taking the girls with us to Ethiopia when we pick up Kidus. Probably I should give up this dream. That way when we need to make the difficult decision about taking the girls or not taking them it won't hurt so bad. But I'm not going to. I'm going to hope for that miracle until we've checked our bags and made it through security. I just can't imagine kissing them goodbye and getting on that plane without them. It doesn't make sense to me. They have been a part of this process from the beginning, supporting us, encouraging us, and praying for us, for Kidus, and for all orphans. We have to take them and I sure hope we find a way. How can I tell them they can't come? So we've been rejected by two grant agencies. We have two more apps out there. Maybe they will bless us. I know how hard I've prayed and how hard Henley has prayed for this. God hears our prayers. He has a plan and this rejection must have been a part of his plan. I'm reminded how I should give thanks in all circumstances because this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. It's not always easy and I had to preface my prayers today by admitting that I was angry and confused and angry and yes, bitter. Why not us? Why is raising money for us so hard. Our spaghetti dinner: so much work for so little. Adrian losing extra jobs this summer. Not getting his promised raise. Our garage sale (not my mom's): again so little payoff. Me trying my hand at selling on ebay: profit: $3. Arrhhhhh! We've tried, by golly, we've tried but it's just not working. Oh well. God has a plan. I just wish He'd let me in on it.

So In Love with my Boy

2008-10-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

It sure didn't take long. I have fallen head over heels in love with my little boy. I've never touched his face, heard his cry, or had his little fist grasp my finger yet my heart aches for him; my arms long to hold him. I stare at his picture. I touch it with my finger willing him to feel my love over thousands of miles. I wonder. I pray. Will he love me? I never thought this with my other three. I never doubted they would love me. They do. I loved them before I met them too. Fiercely, like a mother should. This love is not different but it's not the same either. I can't do anything for Kidus now but pray. And pray I do, about everything. I want to leave nothing to chance. I pray about his physical, spiritual, and emotional health. I pray for his care givers. I pray this process will go smooth and God will iron out any wrinkles that pop up. I pray that Kidus will bond with us and we with him. I even pray we will choose the right name for him. We have it narrowed down to two: Rowan (Rowen) Michael Kidus Spracklen and Leif Michael Kidus Spracklen. I prayed for Rowan for a week and now I'm going to pray for Leif. I know God knows exactly who I am talking about. I have seen first-hand how powerful pray is. I could give lots of examples but I'll just give two here. I've wanted to adopt for so long but Adrian was not that interested to say the least. Knowing all the talk in the world wouldn't change his heart I turned to God. Sure, it took about five years of faithful prayer but God did change his heart. Adrian is body, mind, and soul in this adoption. It is wonderful to go through this arduous process with him instead of fighting all the fights myself. Yes, God is good! This next example is more recent. After weeks of expecting a phone call about Kidus' court date that never came, I finally emailed Grace. We received the bad news that not only had they not filed Kidus for court yet but that they wouldn't be doing any filing for the time being because MOWA (Ministry of Women's Affairs) was requiring additional information on relinguished and abandoned kids. I must point out that I cannot blame Hope. This is just one of those frustrating hold-ups that happen so frequently in international adoption. Nonetheless, this was devastating news as we were expecting to receive a court date for mid-November. Now I wondered if we would even get one before the end of the year. I sent out an urgent email to my sisters and my mom asking them to pray and to ask all they knew to pray. God listened and God moved on our behalf, on Kidus' behalf. Less than five days after the bad news email we received some good news. Hope has filed for Kidus' court date and is hopeful that it will be in December! I don't believe in coincidences. Do you?

Lean into Life!

2008-09-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

My neighbors, Diane and Dave, and Adrian and I started an adoption and orphan ministry at our church this past summer. I'd like to say we had high hopes of people coming out of the woodwork to support it but we were pretty realistic in our expectations. Unfortunately, we were pretty accurate in these expectations. Not one person has come forward with interest in helping out with the ministry or with questions about adopting or sponsoring an orphan. Hey, this is what we thought would happen so I'm not devastated but I am getting to the point of anger at our christian community's passivity. What do I mean by this. I'm continually amazed at how people come to sunday school class and just sit there and allow the leader to speak at them instead of participating. (Hey, I'm guilty of this too, though I can't say the same for Adrian. You can always count on him to participate.) We allow ourselves to be taught but we take no part in the teaching. It doesn't make sense. To quote a Pepsi or Coke commericial, "Wake up people!". It doesn't make sense because in order to learn, in order to grow, we must actively participate in our own education, in our own lives. O.k. maybe that is confusing. What I mean is that just sitting and being preached at isn't good enough and it isn't what God intended for us. He gave us free will to make choices. He gave us a voice to speak, ears to listen, hands to do good works. It shouldn't be good enough that your friend, neighbor, acquaintance is doing good works. You cannot live vicariously in this way. It doesn't count. You must lean forward into life, not back or you will find one day when it is too late that life passed you by. Whoosh! This is not practice. This is the real thing and you only get one go. How can you sit on your proverbial couch and think that what you are doing is good enough? Get up! Get up! Move! Do something! Participate in life. I know it's hard to join; it's hard to be the new guy but you're not new to God. Remember He knew you before you were born. God wants more from you not because He's keeping score, but because He cares about you so much He doesn't want you to miss out on this beautiful life He gave you. He doesn't want you to get to the end of your life and have regret because you didn't fully enjoy the gift He gave you. O.k., who am I to preach at you? I'm certainly not perfect and I too let fear manipulate me into losing out on God's gifts. I'm not saying I'm better than you because I'm adopting. I'm here to encourage you to step out in faith. To say yes to God's calling on your life. He would never ask you to do something and then leave you to find your own way. He is there for the duration. So go on, take a chance. Take that first step. Hold tight to God's hand and you'll be amazed at where he leads you.

Our Referrel!!!

2008-09-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Well, Friday, September 12, 2008 started out like any other day. I got up, worked out, showered, ate breakfast, threw in a load of laundry, and started homeschooling. We didn't get far into our reading when the phone rang. Luca loves to answer the phone so I said she could but when it stopped ringing before she could pick up I was secretly glad. I didn't have time to talk. I hate starting to school and then having to stop. The phone rang again though not to much later. Luca answered and gave it to me. It was Grace! Oh my gosh! Thank goodness we didn't screen. I think she said "Are you ready for a referrel?" I wish I had that moment on tape because it was so surreal I just don't remember exactly what transpired. I mean I knew this moment would come and I suspected that it would happen in September but I really figured it would be closer to the end of the month, not the middle. I have always been very good at containing my emotions and I'm sure Grace was probably thinking "what's wrong with this woman? Does she want a referrel or what?" I mean I made small talk with her for pete's sake!! Anyway, on to the good stuff. His name is Kidus. He is two months old and his birthday is June 30, 2008! Wow! That was a shocker. I didn't expect him to be so young. He was abandoned so he had to go through a two month wait period before he could become available for adoption. It's sad that he was abandoned. We'll never know anything about his history but it's good too because it should allow him to pass court easily. I say that now. We'll see. The courts reopen September 28 so Hope should be able to schedule our court date for sometime in mid-November. If we pass that first time travel usually follows about four weeks later! Wow and wow again! She emailed me his picture. Just one, only one. Oh how I want a thousand photos. She was supposed to fax his profile to Adrian at work but it didn't come so we are still waiting on that. I called Adrian at work but of course, he wasn't there. We had to wait for him to call us back! Arhhh! It was about an hour later but oh what an hour! In that hour I sent the girls off to pray. I said we had to make sure this is the boy God wants us to have. About two minutes after I sent them off to pray, Teagan came back and told me that God said YES. How can you argue with that? God said yes. Out of the mouth of babes! What a wonderful, glorious day! How ordinary it started out. How extraordinary it ended! Have I mentioned before how much I love God!

A Referrel?

2008-08-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

Gothcha! No, no referrel yet though I got an email from Grace, our agency's coordinator, saying she would be making baby boy referrels soon! I think I wrote (or I meant to) that I was o.k. not getting a referrel right away because I just wasn't ready yet. Just thinking about it made me nervous. What had I gotten myself and this family into? Another baby? Haven't I just gotten to the point where I can breathe? O.k. I homeschool, so not really, but the girls are finally old enough to buckle themselves into their carseats, use the toilet themselves, make their own breakfast, help clear the table after dinner, make their beds. Yes, that includes Teagan, though she rarely does it. I'm sure breakfast in bed for A and me is just around the corner. LOL. Soon it'll be back to stinky diapers and sleepless nights. No breastfeeding this time (or can I?) Formula instead. Do you know how much that stuff costs? Yowsers! Car seats, snowsuits, hi-chairs, strained peas and mashed carrots. Yuck! Lots of little onesies to wash. A little dupa to clean. A tiny nose to kiss. A smooth, round belly to tickle. A soft head on my shoulder. Ten new toes to count. One day, a new voice that says "mama." O.k. Enough. I can't wait for that phone call. I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like. What will I be doing at the time? Will I be schooling or on my way out the door? Whose turn will it be to answer the phone? Will A be here or at work? I remember where I was and what I was doing when I first heard about 9-11. It is seared on my brain. I hope this is the same but obviously, in a good way. It's comforting to think that God knows the answer to all the questions above and the ones I haven't even thought to ask. How I love God! He is so good!

Thinking Ahead

2008-08-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

We don't have a referrel yet and quite frankly, I'm glad. When I think about having that picture I get so scared. Right now I feel safe. Safe, you say. What do you mean? Well, I've been faithful to the voice of God and said yes to this adventure of adoption and I'm committed to it but if I can compare adopting to crossing a deep lake, at this point in the process I've only had to wander out up to my knees. I can still see the shore. I can run back if I want to. (I don't.) Of course, I get anxious to get that referrel and I want to move forward in this process but there is the allure of safety that has grounded me to this spot. I'm comfortable with my feet in two different worlds. I lurk on the Hope website, reading about everyone else's adventure, glad there are so many who have gone before me paving the way. When it is my turn will I be as brave as they? Will I have the courage I need to go? I am reminded that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed. Do I not even have that? I've been through the ringer in the past two years. Certainly these trials and tribulations have made me stronger. Or maybe there is nothing that can prepare one for this special journey. I don't mean motherhood, per se. I'm already a mother. I have three girls. I mean being a mother to an adopted child. A boy child. A black child. I suppose I could read some books, take an online class, talk to someone but I probably won't. Well, maybe I'll talk to someone if I get the chance. I'm not much of a reader, as I've mentioned before. Probably what I'll do is what I did after my first child was born. Take each day as it comes. Learn from my mistakes, all six of them, I mean six hundred. LOL. Trust in God who led me into the lake and who will be with me all the way to the other side.

A Gold Medal!

2008-08-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

My husband woke me up at 5:40 this morning screaming. No, he wasn't having a nightmare. Just the opposite. He was celebrating! His dad's team, the Canadian men's eight (rowing) won the gold medal in Beijing! Oh, maybe I should tell those who don't know me well, my father-in-law is an olympic coach for Canada. He coaches men's rowing. Ad got up and watched it live online. I don't have the nerve to watch these big races live. I have to find out the result and then watch. Yeah, so I'm a bit of a wuss. I just get too nervous. I couldn't even watch the Steelers play in the super bowl a few years back and they won too. I've never seen Ad so happy as he was this morning. He cried big fat happy tears. We went out to dinner to celebrate! We never go out to eat but hey, olympic gold medals don't come along all the often. Go Canada!

On another note, I ran a personal best this morning in the Hamot 10k. I set out to come in the top three but I came in fifth instead (out of 177 women). The competition was just too steep. Still, I averaged 6:40 miles and then nearly threw up a lung when I crossed the finish line. Later, as I watched all these two and three year-olds run in the toddler trot (my own kids went to church this morning with A while I ran my race) I thought "that's going to be my son next year." It was my turn to be overcome with emotion. I can't wait till next year. Of course, I might just have to do the 5k. The 10k is just way to painful.

What happened to the Grapevine?

2008-08-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

I went back home last week for my cousin's wedding and found out that not all my relatives know we are adopting! Communication was never our strength but wow, something this big I would have thought would have made the rounds of the grapevine. Obviously not. It begs the question, where did the communication fail and why? For those of you who don't know me, I grew up in Ohio where most of my family still lives. I now live two hours away in Pennsylvania so I don't see all my aunts, uncles, and cousins all that often. We were at my mom and dad's at Easter when my nine-year-old daughter let it slip that we were adopting. This slip came about a week after my older sister announced she was pregnant again. Her news was very welcome and exciting as she suffered two miscarriages in two years. Now we didn't get a lot of excitement over our news from my family, a bit of a surprise, but not a big deal. I knew deep down they supported us and they've proven this over the last five months. So why isn't the news of our "paper pregnancy" being circulated? I'd love to cast the blame on anyone but myself but I'm afraid that that wouldn't be fair. As excited as I was to start the adoption process I wasn't excited to talk about it with anyone who wasn't going through it or gone through it. Having said that, if anyone asked me anything about adoption or Ethiopia I was more than happy to rattle on and on and on. Very rarely though, would I iniate conversation. Simply put, this is my nature. I am not a talker. I don't share easily, make friends easily, or open up quickly. I can talk though. When we were having a spaghetti dinner I spoke in front of three different church groups about adoption, Ethiopia, and orphans. I found it a joy and privilege to do so. Put me in front of a large group of people and ask me to speak, no problem. Small talk? No can do! I do recognize my, oh how should I say it, obligation, duty, need, to speak as a PAP on behalf of my someday son and all orphans for that matter. I know this but I probably won't ever have the nerve to start a conversation in the grocery store line so I've started this blog instead. I'm not much of a reader or writer for that matter. I just don't have the attention span. It's taken me nearly a week to write this little thing but I will try. I will try. For my little son who I don't even know yet. I will try.