WE HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An early morning phone call brought the news I was so hoping to hear. "Congratulations, you passed!" Wow! What a wonderful moment. Only Henley was up to hear the good news so we enjoyed a quick hug and then climbed back into bed to stave off the morning chill as we waited for the other two to get up and for Adrian to come home from practice.
While this may seem to be the beginning of the end I realize that it is actually the beginning of the...beginning. Our paper pregnancy is almost over but raising this child is what it is all about. We haven't had a baby in the house in five years. I don't remember what it's like to be at the beck and call of a child who can't do anything for himself. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all that fun stuff again. I'm not, but I can say I can't wait to do it all again. January 12 can't come soon enough.
During my quiet time with God today I turned to Psalms and came upon Psalm 40 which I had previously partially hi-lighted. For those of you who know me, you will understand why it speaks so personally to me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:1-3
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
Psalm 40:6-8

I did say yes to adoption but it wasn't an easy yes to say. Even last night I lay awake thinking of all the "what ifs." What if he's sick? What if he doesn't sleep? What if he has learning disabilities? I could go on but I suppose the biggest what if would be what if I said no? What if I had said NO?! I shudder to think. What would I be missing? What would this family be missing?
What about you?

Friday is the Big Day!

After being away for a month and home now for a week the countdown to our court date is just about over. Tomorrow, September 12 is the big day. After having three children will I finally be able to say "it's a boy!"? Only God knows and He is keeping mum, much to my annoyance. I would like a hint, a clue, a sign, something, anything. Should I be preparing myself for bitter disappointment? Not that I'd be able to. I'm the type that hopes till hope has long sailed away. Needless to say, I often end up hurt. Maybe tomorrow I will go to bed hurt, angry, and bitter. I know we could be denied for any number of reasons. Sometimes I wonder if my medical history might cause problems. I think that is a possibility though I hope not. Maybe our rep won't show up. Maybe our paperwork won't be in order. Maybe the judge will be in a bad mood. Maybe there will be no hearings tomorrow for unknown reasons. Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many possibilities.
I had a restless night last night full of tossing and turning, strange dreams about snakes shedding their skins, and broken prayers. My prayers which should be so focused have been so scattered and confused. Someone said to me this morning that God wouldn't lead us this far and then abandon us. True, but He could shut the door. Someone else said that sometimes God pushes the "pause" button. I like that analogy. It makes more sense to me than saying God has His own timing. I don't know why but it does. I wonder if He's pushed that pause button for us. If He has, it'll hurt. I believe in God's timing and I know he's got more sense than me but the problem is that He doesn't often give explanations for this timing. I guess it's only a problem for me, not God.
I'm not sure when I'll hear tomorrow or even how I'll hear. I think Grace emails instead of calls but we'll see. I know this. I'll go to bed praying, wake up praying and pray through my workout. I'll go to bed hoping for the best, wake up hoping for the best and hope until I hear otherwise.
If God listens to the prayers of children, we've got this in the bag.

Update on Kidus

Grace is in Ethiopia so I've gotten a very short update on my soon-to-be son. As any PAP would tell you any information is very much appreciated but it is never enough. It is like having just a taste of something delectable. It always leaves you wanting more. Unfortunately, the information she had for me didn't ease my mind. She wrote that the two times she saw him he was in a bad mood! What does this mean? He's only four months old. How can a four-month-old be in a bad mood? Of course, I worried. Could there be something wrong that is causing him to be cranky? Is he sick? Does he need more food, more attention, more love? Does he need his momma cause his momma sure needs him. December 12 can't come around fast enough. Oh, I just want him home. Home with me. Home with his dad, with his sisters. Home where he belongs. Lord, please bring him home soon. SOON! I mustn't stop praying. I must leave nothing to chance. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and it is taking more faith then I have most days. I don't know how anyone could do this and not know God. It is unfathomable to me because this process is so long, so arduous, so unpredictable, so scary, so exciting, so joyful. God has been there for those scary moments when I've had to throw up my hands and say "take the wheel, Lord" and for those joyous moments when I just scream "thank you Lord, thank you." He is always one step ahead of me and is a pioneer in my day. Isn't that comforting! Thank you Lord for adopting me as your child. Thank you for choosing me to be an adoptive mom. Thank you for my little boy. Thank you for being a pioneer in my life, for going before me and paving the way. Thank you Lord.

Disappointment!

I had hoped to hear from Shaohannah's Hope about our grant application before leaving for Victoria on Saturday and today I got my wish. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Nothing. We got nothing. NOTHING! It wasn't just disappointment I felt when I read their very nicely worded rejection form letter. I was surprised, really surprised. I truly thought, believed, and I guess hoped that they would bless us. I cried, of course. I felt fear too because this blow starts to shatter the dream I have of taking the girls with us to Ethiopia when we pick up Kidus. Probably I should give up this dream. That way when we need to make the difficult decision about taking the girls or not taking them it won't hurt so bad. But I'm not going to. I'm going to hope for that miracle until we've checked our bags and made it through security. I just can't imagine kissing them goodbye and getting on that plane without them. It doesn't make sense to me. They have been a part of this process from the beginning, supporting us, encouraging us, and praying for us, for Kidus, and for all orphans. We have to take them and I sure hope we find a way. How can I tell them they can't come? So we've been rejected by two grant agencies. We have two more apps out there. Maybe they will bless us. I know how hard I've prayed and how hard Henley has prayed for this. God hears our prayers. He has a plan and this rejection must have been a part of his plan. I'm reminded how I should give thanks in all circumstances because this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. It's not always easy and I had to preface my prayers today by admitting that I was angry and confused and angry and yes, bitter. Why not us? Why is raising money for us so hard. Our spaghetti dinner: so much work for so little. Adrian losing extra jobs this summer. Not getting his promised raise. Our garage sale (not my mom's): again so little payoff. Me trying my hand at selling on ebay: profit: $3. Arrhhhhh! We've tried, by golly, we've tried but it's just not working. Oh well. God has a plan. I just wish He'd let me in on it.

So In Love with my Boy

It sure didn't take long. I have fallen head over heels in love with my little boy. I've never touched his face, heard his cry, or had his little fist grasp my finger yet my heart aches for him; my arms long to hold him. I stare at his picture. I touch it with my finger willing him to feel my love over thousands of miles. I wonder. I pray. Will he love me? I never thought this with my other three. I never doubted they would love me. They do. I loved them before I met them too. Fiercely, like a mother should. This love is not different but it's not the same either. I can't do anything for Kidus now but pray. And pray I do, about everything. I want to leave nothing to chance. I pray about his physical, spiritual, and emotional health. I pray for his care givers. I pray this process will go smooth and God will iron out any wrinkles that pop up. I pray that Kidus will bond with us and we with him. I even pray we will choose the right name for him. We have it narrowed down to two: Rowan (Rowen) Michael Kidus Spracklen and Leif Michael Kidus Spracklen. I prayed for Rowan for a week and now I'm going to pray for Leif. I know God knows exactly who I am talking about. I have seen first-hand how powerful pray is. I could give lots of examples but I'll just give two here. I've wanted to adopt for so long but Adrian was not that interested to say the least. Knowing all the talk in the world wouldn't change his heart I turned to God. Sure, it took about five years of faithful prayer but God did change his heart. Adrian is body, mind, and soul in this adoption. It is wonderful to go through this arduous process with him instead of fighting all the fights myself. Yes, God is good! This next example is more recent. After weeks of expecting a phone call about Kidus' court date that never came, I finally emailed Grace. We received the bad news that not only had they not filed Kidus for court yet but that they wouldn't be doing any filing for the time being because MOWA (Ministry of Women's Affairs) was requiring additional information on relinguished and abandoned kids. I must point out that I cannot blame Hope. This is just one of those frustrating hold-ups that happen so frequently in international adoption. Nonetheless, this was devastating news as we were expecting to receive a court date for mid-November. Now I wondered if we would even get one before the end of the year. I sent out an urgent email to my sisters and my mom asking them to pray and to ask all they knew to pray. God listened and God moved on our behalf, on Kidus' behalf. Less than five days after the bad news email we received some good news. Hope has filed for Kidus' court date and is hopeful that it will be in December! I don't believe in coincidences. Do you?

Lean into Life!

My neighbors, Diane and Dave, and Adrian and I started an adoption and orphan ministry at our church this past summer. I'd like to say we had high hopes of people coming out of the woodwork to support it but we were pretty realistic in our expectations. Unfortunately, we were pretty accurate in these expectations. Not one person has come forward with interest in helping out with the ministry or with questions about adopting or sponsoring an orphan. Hey, this is what we thought would happen so I'm not devastated but I am getting to the point of anger at our christian community's passivity. What do I mean by this. I'm continually amazed at how people come to sunday school class and just sit there and allow the leader to speak at them instead of participating. (Hey, I'm guilty of this too, though I can't say the same for Adrian. You can always count on him to participate.) We allow ourselves to be taught but we take no part in the teaching. It doesn't make sense. To quote a Pepsi or Coke commericial, "Wake up people!". It doesn't make sense because in order to learn, in order to grow, we must actively participate in our own education, in our own lives. O.k. maybe that is confusing. What I mean is that just sitting and being preached at isn't good enough and it isn't what God intended for us. He gave us free will to make choices. He gave us a voice to speak, ears to listen, hands to do good works. It shouldn't be good enough that your friend, neighbor, acquaintance is doing good works. You cannot live vicariously in this way. It doesn't count. You must lean forward into life, not back or you will find one day when it is too late that life passed you by. Whoosh! This is not practice. This is the real thing and you only get one go. How can you sit on your proverbial couch and think that what you are doing is good enough? Get up! Get up! Move! Do something! Participate in life. I know it's hard to join; it's hard to be the new guy but you're not new to God. Remember He knew you before you were born. God wants more from you not because He's keeping score, but because He cares about you so much He doesn't want you to miss out on this beautiful life He gave you. He doesn't want you to get to the end of your life and have regret because you didn't fully enjoy the gift He gave you. O.k., who am I to preach at you? I'm certainly not perfect and I too let fear manipulate me into losing out on God's gifts. I'm not saying I'm better than you because I'm adopting. I'm here to encourage you to step out in faith. To say yes to God's calling on your life. He would never ask you to do something and then leave you to find your own way. He is there for the duration. So go on, take a chance. Take that first step. Hold tight to God's hand and you'll be amazed at where he leads you.

Our Referrel!!!

Well, Friday, September 12, 2008 started out like any other day. I got up, worked out, showered, ate breakfast, threw in a load of laundry, and started homeschooling. We didn't get far into our reading when the phone rang. Luca loves to answer the phone so I said she could but when it stopped ringing before she could pick up I was secretly glad. I didn't have time to talk. I hate starting to school and then having to stop. The phone rang again though not to much later. Luca answered and gave it to me. It was Grace! Oh my gosh! Thank goodness we didn't screen. I think she said "Are you ready for a referrel?" I wish I had that moment on tape because it was so surreal I just don't remember exactly what transpired. I mean I knew this moment would come and I suspected that it would happen in September but I really figured it would be closer to the end of the month, not the middle. I have always been very good at containing my emotions and I'm sure Grace was probably thinking "what's wrong with this woman? Does she want a referrel or what?" I mean I made small talk with her for pete's sake!! Anyway, on to the good stuff. His name is Kidus. He is two months old and his birthday is June 30, 2008! Wow! That was a shocker. I didn't expect him to be so young. He was abandoned so he had to go through a two month wait period before he could become available for adoption. It's sad that he was abandoned. We'll never know anything about his history but it's good too because it should allow him to pass court easily. I say that now. We'll see. The courts reopen September 28 so Hope should be able to schedule our court date for sometime in mid-November. If we pass that first time travel usually follows about four weeks later! Wow and wow again! She emailed me his picture. Just one, only one. Oh how I want a thousand photos. She was supposed to fax his profile to Adrian at work but it didn't come so we are still waiting on that. I called Adrian at work but of course, he wasn't there. We had to wait for him to call us back! Arhhh! It was about an hour later but oh what an hour! In that hour I sent the girls off to pray. I said we had to make sure this is the boy God wants us to have. About two minutes after I sent them off to pray, Teagan came back and told me that God said YES. How can you argue with that? God said yes. Out of the mouth of babes! What a wonderful, glorious day! How ordinary it started out. How extraordinary it ended! Have I mentioned before how much I love God!