Our trip to Pittsburgh was successful on Tuesday despite lots of bands of snow squalls on the way down and back. The Modified Barium Swallow Test showed that Rowan has no problems swallowing at all and everything is going down the right tube. Nothing is being aspirated into his lungs. That's good news. Of course, we still don't know what is wrong. We've just eliminated one more possibility. The scope I talked about earlier will now be scheduled though I don't know when.
Rowan continues to be a joy and everyone who sees him says he's grown, and I think he has too. He's starting to get another chin, dimples in his elbows and a little chunk on his thighs but for the amount he eats he should have three chins and dimples everywhere. Of course, he did poop five times yesterday. Oh well.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
To Pittsburgh and Back
Rowan is sick and we don't know what is wrong with him. We've been to Pittsburgh three times in the last eight days. For those of you not from around here, that's a two hour drive. We've filled our car three times already this week and it's on empty again. Rowan has always had this breathing problem. He always sounds like he is congested. He suffers from sleep apnea. He has a hard time eating and breathing, though he sure makes a good go of it. He has put on some weight since we brought him home but not much, not for the amount that he eats. He's barely grown at all in the inch department. Maybe a quarter of an inch, maybe. Something's wrong, something just isn't right. But what is it? He is a happy, happy baby. He eats really well, loves to eat, loves it. He sleeps through the night but doesn't sleep soundly. He's bonded with us and the girls. He's small for his age but what is his age really? There are so many puzzle pieces but we don't know what the picture looks like. So last Wednesday we went to Pittsburgh Children's Hospital to see a pulmonologist. I didn't understand much of what he said but it was a relief to finally have a doctor agree with us and say there is something wrong. One thing I remember him saying is that Rowan's lungs are hyper-inflated. I don't know what that means. Sorry. He referred us to a GI specialist because Rowan's abdomen protrudes so much. She thought he wasn't gaining weight because he is using so many calories just to breathe he's got none left over for growth. She ordered lots of tests, blood work to check for parasites and an ultrasound of his belly and chest. He's already had chest and abdomen x-rays. Yesterday we were back in Pittsburgh to see an ENT specialist. He thinks it could be reflux, though Rowan rarely spits up. He prescribed zantec or something like that to see if that helps. After seeing the GI on Friday and then the ENT yesterday we thought we were finally making some headway. However, after talking to the pulmonologist we feel like we're back to square one. He disagrees with both the GI and ENT specialist. Arghhh! What they all agree on however, is that they all need to do a scope. What's a scope? I don't know. What I understand is that they put Rowan under using anesthesiology (did I spell that right?) and then put a camera down his throat or nose and take pictures and biopses of his esophagus, stomach, intestine, lung... I'm not scared, just worried. What if they don't find anything? What if they do this and still don't know what is wrong with him. Why isn't he growing and why is this so hard to figure out? I'm so tired. My poor Henley celebrated her tenth birthday yesterday at home with her sisters and grandma while Adrian and I took Rowan to Pittsburgh. I want this to end but I want it to end with a clear answer, but what if there is no clear answer? The scope was set for Monday but it's been post-poned till all three doctors can attend. Hopefully, we'll find out tomorrow when the new date is. I know God knows what the problem is. I just pray He will tell these doctors the solution.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Love
I know when some mothers are pregnant with their second child they often think "how can I love this child as much as I love the one I already have?" I never thought that. I figured if I have this much love for my first child than certainly I will have the same amount for the next, and the next after that. I was right. Love can be limitless. It still is. This child, this little boy with his big brown eyes, coarse hair, ready smile, and smooth brown skin has captured my heart like I can't explain. I have as much joy for him as I have for my Luca. I have as much worry for him as I have for my Teagan. I have as much pride for him as I have for my Henley. Rowan is beautiful and wonderful and has so much potential. I can't wait to show him off. I can't wait to watch him grow, to see what kind of boy he is going to be. I don't know anything about him. Will he be short or tall, athletic, musical, smart, or not so smart. Will he laugh a lot or will he be serious? I don't know. I feel excitement at his unknown potential and also sadness. I can give him nothing about his past, his parents. He is going into this life blind yet he will go forward with love. I can pray him forward and pray for his security. I am his mother and he is my son. I love him more than words can say. God loves him more than I do and God knows him inside out, where he came from and where he is going. Thank God for God.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
We're Back!
First, I have to say sorry I didn't blog while in Ethiopia. The internet connection was so slow I couldn't even get on to my blog. I was able to check email and email my girls but that was about it. The Bole Rock Hotel, though nice and comfortable, was definitely not an American hotel.
Since I wasn't able to write while there I won't be able to recreate our entire trip. I think instead I'll just recall some points that stick out in my mind.
The altitude. I'm a pretty fit person but by the time I climbed three flights of stairs in the hotel my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. Maybe by the last day I was starting to get used to it but the climb still made me breathe hard and my heart pound.
The diesel fumes. Apparently Ethiopia had no emissions regulations and all the cars are diesel and old and the fumes while sitting in traffic were overpowering. They also have very few traffic lights and no seat belt laws. Ethiopian drivers are very proficient at using their horns but not in a rude way. They beep to let you know they aren't stopping so you'd better get out of the way.
The beggars. They weren't necessarily everywhere but they were a lot of places. Begging is illegal in Ethiopia though that didn't stop most people. As we were driving down a busy street (and they were all busy) a boy, about eight to ten years old, was running next to our car against traffic with his hand out. Right before he was about to get smacked by a wing mirror of a passing truck an old man reached out with two hands and grabbed this boy. Then he laid into him apparently telling him off for begging. It's not only illegal but also degrading.
Hope's Place. Hope's Place is the orphanage where Kidus (Rowan) was at. I cried the first time I stepped over the threshold and saw all these beautiful brown faces so eager to be held. I cried when I climbed the steps to the baby room and saw my son for the first time. I recognized him right away. He was being spoon-fed runny rice cereal from a cup. That's my son. He's beautiful and he's mine. My boy. My boy.
Love. Some people question whether they are going to love their adopted child as much as they love their biological children. I'll be honest. I did. I had no idea what to expect but it was love at first sight. Love with a capital L. It was so easy to say "I love you" to him, to snuggle him, to kiss him. I was amazed at the love that poured out of my heart for this little 12-pound baby that I had just set eyes upon. It was overwhelming and wonderful.
Injera. Injera is the main bread they eat in Ethiopia. It is made of Teff flour and is flat and spongy and often sour. They lay a large round piece of injera on your plate and then spoon bits of stew or lentils on top. Ethiopians don't use silverware. Instead they break off a bit of injera and sop it up. I found it delicious and messy. After you eat and before, in fact, someone brings a bowl and pitcher around so you can rinse your hands. Just think, no silverware to wash.
A mother and her two kids. Of all the people I saw in Ethiopia these three stick in my mind. A mother sat on the side of the road with a baby on one leg and what looked like a three-year-old on the other. They just sat there on the sidewalk of this busy road. The fumes were awful and I just thought this is not what a three-year-old should be doing. She should be in preschool or playing with barbies or watching Seseme Street. She probably hadn't eaten anything that day I saw her, nothing that is but diesel fumes. The heartbreak this mother must feel being able to give her children nothing but her lap. Is that good enough?
Ethiopian Christmas. We were so fortunate to be in Ethiopia for their Christmas which they celebrate on January 7. It is not like our Christmas though. It is not commercialized and it is not extended beyond the day. Everyone was back at work or school the next day. Business as usual. Together with the two other Hope families we traveled with we bought a live sheep for the orphanage to have for Christmas. They killed it and we ate sheep and injera, played games, and danced. It was so neat to be able to celebrate Christmas at the orphanage. I don't have the words to explain it. There was so much joy and happiness and absolutely no commercialization. It was how Christmas should be. Plus, it had been Henley's prayer that we would have Rowan for Christmas. We did. God answered her prayer.
Sarsina and her brother Thomas. Sarsina is a 14-year-old girl who is going to be adopted by a family from Washington. Because she doesn't live at the Hope orphanage Adrian, Holly, and I drove to her house to visit her and take some pictures. What a beautiful girl. Though she lives with her brothers, and uncle, she is being adopted because she had been caring for her grandmother but then her grandmother died. Sarsina and her relatives live in a house smaller than my kitchen. There is no running water but there is electricity. There was two beds in one part of the house, a few benches, a kerosene burner for boiling water, an injera cooker, and a small tv. Oh yeah, there was a chicken too tied to a chair. We were so struck by this family's maturity, generosity, and love. They made us hot tea and shared their bread with us. Thomas loves soccer, wants to coach, and is studying PE. Adrian and I talked about trying to bring him to the US to go to Mercyhurst. Please pray for him and that this might happen.
Emirates Air. If you're flying to Africa or the Middle East it's a great airline to fly with. Nobody can make 14 hours comfortable but Emirates sure goes out of their way to try.
Holly and Kenneth and Donna and Michael. These are the two other Hope families we got to travel with to pick up our kids. We had the best time with them and now consider them all friends.
Adrian. My husband. It took more than five years of my praying for God to change Adrian's heart for adoption and boy did He. Watching him play with all the children at the orphanage was precious and priceless and now to see how much he loves his son, Rowan, does my heart good, to say the least. It is truly amazing. God is amazing.
Our first week. Not an easy week and not the week I would have chosen. Rowan came home pretty sick. We were concerned and felt lucky to see the pediatrician on Monday. Tuesday was such a bad night for him that we called the doctor again Wednesday and per her suggestion we hospitalized him. It scared me to death and I cried all the way home from the doctor's. They took lots of blood and ran lots of tests and just as expected he tested positive for RSV (Respitory Syncytial Virus). His breathing was so weak they gave him an IV and oxygen treatments. That helped and he only had to stay two nights. He is still pretty sick but not scary sick. Hopefully in the next week or two we'll notice significant improvement. So we've been home almost a week and have barely been home at all. Time is not my own (not that it ever was) and I am still adjusting to have a baby in the house again. I think he will be our baby but he might not be our last. God maybe calling us again. I don't know. I hope if He is that we will be brave enough to do as he asks.
Thank you all for your prayers and I ask that you would continue to remember us as you pray.
Since I wasn't able to write while there I won't be able to recreate our entire trip. I think instead I'll just recall some points that stick out in my mind.
The altitude. I'm a pretty fit person but by the time I climbed three flights of stairs in the hotel my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. Maybe by the last day I was starting to get used to it but the climb still made me breathe hard and my heart pound.
The diesel fumes. Apparently Ethiopia had no emissions regulations and all the cars are diesel and old and the fumes while sitting in traffic were overpowering. They also have very few traffic lights and no seat belt laws. Ethiopian drivers are very proficient at using their horns but not in a rude way. They beep to let you know they aren't stopping so you'd better get out of the way.
The beggars. They weren't necessarily everywhere but they were a lot of places. Begging is illegal in Ethiopia though that didn't stop most people. As we were driving down a busy street (and they were all busy) a boy, about eight to ten years old, was running next to our car against traffic with his hand out. Right before he was about to get smacked by a wing mirror of a passing truck an old man reached out with two hands and grabbed this boy. Then he laid into him apparently telling him off for begging. It's not only illegal but also degrading.
Hope's Place. Hope's Place is the orphanage where Kidus (Rowan) was at. I cried the first time I stepped over the threshold and saw all these beautiful brown faces so eager to be held. I cried when I climbed the steps to the baby room and saw my son for the first time. I recognized him right away. He was being spoon-fed runny rice cereal from a cup. That's my son. He's beautiful and he's mine. My boy. My boy.
Love. Some people question whether they are going to love their adopted child as much as they love their biological children. I'll be honest. I did. I had no idea what to expect but it was love at first sight. Love with a capital L. It was so easy to say "I love you" to him, to snuggle him, to kiss him. I was amazed at the love that poured out of my heart for this little 12-pound baby that I had just set eyes upon. It was overwhelming and wonderful.
Injera. Injera is the main bread they eat in Ethiopia. It is made of Teff flour and is flat and spongy and often sour. They lay a large round piece of injera on your plate and then spoon bits of stew or lentils on top. Ethiopians don't use silverware. Instead they break off a bit of injera and sop it up. I found it delicious and messy. After you eat and before, in fact, someone brings a bowl and pitcher around so you can rinse your hands. Just think, no silverware to wash.
A mother and her two kids. Of all the people I saw in Ethiopia these three stick in my mind. A mother sat on the side of the road with a baby on one leg and what looked like a three-year-old on the other. They just sat there on the sidewalk of this busy road. The fumes were awful and I just thought this is not what a three-year-old should be doing. She should be in preschool or playing with barbies or watching Seseme Street. She probably hadn't eaten anything that day I saw her, nothing that is but diesel fumes. The heartbreak this mother must feel being able to give her children nothing but her lap. Is that good enough?
Ethiopian Christmas. We were so fortunate to be in Ethiopia for their Christmas which they celebrate on January 7. It is not like our Christmas though. It is not commercialized and it is not extended beyond the day. Everyone was back at work or school the next day. Business as usual. Together with the two other Hope families we traveled with we bought a live sheep for the orphanage to have for Christmas. They killed it and we ate sheep and injera, played games, and danced. It was so neat to be able to celebrate Christmas at the orphanage. I don't have the words to explain it. There was so much joy and happiness and absolutely no commercialization. It was how Christmas should be. Plus, it had been Henley's prayer that we would have Rowan for Christmas. We did. God answered her prayer.
Sarsina and her brother Thomas. Sarsina is a 14-year-old girl who is going to be adopted by a family from Washington. Because she doesn't live at the Hope orphanage Adrian, Holly, and I drove to her house to visit her and take some pictures. What a beautiful girl. Though she lives with her brothers, and uncle, she is being adopted because she had been caring for her grandmother but then her grandmother died. Sarsina and her relatives live in a house smaller than my kitchen. There is no running water but there is electricity. There was two beds in one part of the house, a few benches, a kerosene burner for boiling water, an injera cooker, and a small tv. Oh yeah, there was a chicken too tied to a chair. We were so struck by this family's maturity, generosity, and love. They made us hot tea and shared their bread with us. Thomas loves soccer, wants to coach, and is studying PE. Adrian and I talked about trying to bring him to the US to go to Mercyhurst. Please pray for him and that this might happen.
Emirates Air. If you're flying to Africa or the Middle East it's a great airline to fly with. Nobody can make 14 hours comfortable but Emirates sure goes out of their way to try.
Holly and Kenneth and Donna and Michael. These are the two other Hope families we got to travel with to pick up our kids. We had the best time with them and now consider them all friends.
Adrian. My husband. It took more than five years of my praying for God to change Adrian's heart for adoption and boy did He. Watching him play with all the children at the orphanage was precious and priceless and now to see how much he loves his son, Rowan, does my heart good, to say the least. It is truly amazing. God is amazing.
Our first week. Not an easy week and not the week I would have chosen. Rowan came home pretty sick. We were concerned and felt lucky to see the pediatrician on Monday. Tuesday was such a bad night for him that we called the doctor again Wednesday and per her suggestion we hospitalized him. It scared me to death and I cried all the way home from the doctor's. They took lots of blood and ran lots of tests and just as expected he tested positive for RSV (Respitory Syncytial Virus). His breathing was so weak they gave him an IV and oxygen treatments. That helped and he only had to stay two nights. He is still pretty sick but not scary sick. Hopefully in the next week or two we'll notice significant improvement. So we've been home almost a week and have barely been home at all. Time is not my own (not that it ever was) and I am still adjusting to have a baby in the house again. I think he will be our baby but he might not be our last. God maybe calling us again. I don't know. I hope if He is that we will be brave enough to do as he asks.
Thank you all for your prayers and I ask that you would continue to remember us as you pray.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Goodbye Good Ole USA, Hello Ethiopia!
We leave tomorrow and I can't think of anything to write about. Henley asked me if I was excited and I said, "I will be tomorrow." I'm not excited nor am I nervous anymore. It's all so unreal that I feel very little. Now tomorrow I probably will be excited and nervous but now...
I feel very blessed. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my country. I love my church. I love getting up in the morning and going for a run. It's good for my body and my brain. After I shower and I'm enjoying a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of green tea I feel such satisfaction. When I miss a cardiovascular workout my days just aren't so nice. I'll admit, I'm a little grumpy. I realize that in two weeks when I bring a six-month-old home those morning runs may be a thing of the past, at least temporarily. Of course, the weather in January in Erie usually puts a damper on an hour-long run anyway but.......my point is, my life as I know it now is about to change in a big way. I'm o.k. with that. Actually, I guess I am excited. I already love my son and I can't wait to meet him. However, I know that when we bring him home there is going to be this big adjustment period where we will all have to reconfigure our lives. I homeschool so I will probably have to lower my standards a bit and have the girls do as much independent work as possible. We already have Rowan's carseat in the van and boy is it cramped. The girls have to crawl under it to get to their seats. We put the crib up in our room and there is barely room to walk. I cleared out two drawers in my dresser for Rowan's clothes and there is no room for more. That's o.k. though. Boy's clothes just aren't as cute as girl's. I realize life is going to be different but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very good thing. God often wants us to let go of the good so that He can lead us to something better. Our life in Erie has been very comfortable which we have enjoyed but God doesn't always want us to be comfortable. He wants us to rely on him completely and that often means going to the unknown. For us, that unknown will lead us to Ethiopia to a boy just six-months old who will change our lives forever. Yeah, I guess I am excited. Thank you God for this great adventure and thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive throughout this journey. We have had nothing but help, encouragement, and excitement from family and friends. You all must know how much that means to us, to know we are not alone in this. We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.
I feel very blessed. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my country. I love my church. I love getting up in the morning and going for a run. It's good for my body and my brain. After I shower and I'm enjoying a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of green tea I feel such satisfaction. When I miss a cardiovascular workout my days just aren't so nice. I'll admit, I'm a little grumpy. I realize that in two weeks when I bring a six-month-old home those morning runs may be a thing of the past, at least temporarily. Of course, the weather in January in Erie usually puts a damper on an hour-long run anyway but.......my point is, my life as I know it now is about to change in a big way. I'm o.k. with that. Actually, I guess I am excited. I already love my son and I can't wait to meet him. However, I know that when we bring him home there is going to be this big adjustment period where we will all have to reconfigure our lives. I homeschool so I will probably have to lower my standards a bit and have the girls do as much independent work as possible. We already have Rowan's carseat in the van and boy is it cramped. The girls have to crawl under it to get to their seats. We put the crib up in our room and there is barely room to walk. I cleared out two drawers in my dresser for Rowan's clothes and there is no room for more. That's o.k. though. Boy's clothes just aren't as cute as girl's. I realize life is going to be different but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very good thing. God often wants us to let go of the good so that He can lead us to something better. Our life in Erie has been very comfortable which we have enjoyed but God doesn't always want us to be comfortable. He wants us to rely on him completely and that often means going to the unknown. For us, that unknown will lead us to Ethiopia to a boy just six-months old who will change our lives forever. Yeah, I guess I am excited. Thank you God for this great adventure and thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive throughout this journey. We have had nothing but help, encouragement, and excitement from family and friends. You all must know how much that means to us, to know we are not alone in this. We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Nerves of Noodles
I woke up Thursday morning early and realized right away that OMG (oh my gosh) it's one week from today that we leave for Ethiopia! My nerves are all over the place. I've got that butterfly in my tummy-thing going all the time. I can't even begin to explain all the thoughts that are running through my head. I know everyone is so excited for us and the girls are beside themselves with excitement and joy but I'm running the gammot of emotions from elation to "what have I got myself into?". I'll be honest with you, I'm scared. Really quite frightened. To start with I'm afraid to fly. I hate it. We have three flights going: Cleveland to New York. New York to Dubai. Dubai to Addis Ababa. That middle flight to Dubai is 12 hours. On the way back it's 14! Fourteen hours with a six-month-old who just met us. Man, do we need some major prayer cover. Please, please remember to pray for us.
I'm also afraid of what I'm going to see there. We all know poverty exists but most of us never have to look it in the face. My courage fails me on this. To be honest I'd really like to continue to be ignorant about how the other half lives. I don't want to see three-year-olds begging in the street or see people so thin they barely exist. The despair, the hopelessness, the desperation. And how am I going to look at all the children in the orphanage (the lucky ones) who are hoping I'm their mommy, hoping it's finally their turn to go home, to have a family. How can I love on my son and ignore all the other children desperate for attention? It hurts to think about it and I really wish I could bypass this pain. In China they bring your child to you in a hotel. You never set foot in an orphanage. I suppose they don't want you to know but I get to know and I get to see. I get to see how these children live, where my son comes from, and meet who takes care of him. Isn't that grand? Isn't it? Oh how easy life is now. And how about in six months or a year? When I'm home and these pictures are just that, pictures in my camera and in my head. If they never go beyond that... what good are they? How can I see and not do? Isn't faith without actions dead? Yet, I'm not an action girl, never was. I'm quite passive, really. I always want to do more, wish I could do more, admire people who do do more and one day hope that I will do more. Maybe this time will be that time. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I've got food in my belly and a house full of toys. I've got family, friends, and faith. It's so easy to be content and lazy when life is easy. I don't want to be lazy but it sure is nice being comfortable. I think for now, at least, God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He is leading me somewhere very uncomfortable but he is not leaving me. He will not abandon me. He will not forsake me. I will go where he leads and I'll try to be brave. I'll try to be strong. I'll do what I can and pray that is enough, until he leads me somewhere else.
I'm also afraid of what I'm going to see there. We all know poverty exists but most of us never have to look it in the face. My courage fails me on this. To be honest I'd really like to continue to be ignorant about how the other half lives. I don't want to see three-year-olds begging in the street or see people so thin they barely exist. The despair, the hopelessness, the desperation. And how am I going to look at all the children in the orphanage (the lucky ones) who are hoping I'm their mommy, hoping it's finally their turn to go home, to have a family. How can I love on my son and ignore all the other children desperate for attention? It hurts to think about it and I really wish I could bypass this pain. In China they bring your child to you in a hotel. You never set foot in an orphanage. I suppose they don't want you to know but I get to know and I get to see. I get to see how these children live, where my son comes from, and meet who takes care of him. Isn't that grand? Isn't it? Oh how easy life is now. And how about in six months or a year? When I'm home and these pictures are just that, pictures in my camera and in my head. If they never go beyond that... what good are they? How can I see and not do? Isn't faith without actions dead? Yet, I'm not an action girl, never was. I'm quite passive, really. I always want to do more, wish I could do more, admire people who do do more and one day hope that I will do more. Maybe this time will be that time. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I've got food in my belly and a house full of toys. I've got family, friends, and faith. It's so easy to be content and lazy when life is easy. I don't want to be lazy but it sure is nice being comfortable. I think for now, at least, God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He is leading me somewhere very uncomfortable but he is not leaving me. He will not abandon me. He will not forsake me. I will go where he leads and I'll try to be brave. I'll try to be strong. I'll do what I can and pray that is enough, until he leads me somewhere else.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Travel Date: January 1!
It'll be one week tomorrow since we passed court and it'll be two weeks today that we leave for Ethiopia! Wow! We were originally told our embassy date was January 14 but that is Ethiopian New Year so it has been moved to January 7, which happens to be Ethiopian Christmas. What a whirlwind. Instead of having 4 1/2 weeks till travel we now have two and of course, our Christmas falls in the middle so I am trying to prepare for this trip, gather paperwork, Christmas shop, home school, and oh yeah, make dinner, do laundry, vacuum, grocery shop, work out...I could go on and on. Hey, and I'm not stressed. Not yet at least. Next week, who knows.
Adrian and I made the difficult decision today not to take the girls with us. We tried everything we could think of to make it work but it wasn't enough. Our tickets are $1800+ each and to take the three of them would have wiped out our savings. Once upon a time I would have been willing to do that but now with the economy so shaky it just wouldn't be wise. It breaks my heart though. They prayed every day and night that we would be able to go as a family. This week Teagan put a $5 dollar bill in our adoption jar. "Do you know what I want more than money, Mom," she said to me. I was afraid to ask as I saw her standing with that jar in her hand. "I want this adoption." I had to turn away I was going to cry. Henley asks every day how much money we have. She more than the other two wants to go so badly. "Do we have enough money, Mom, do we have enough money?" I don't have the heart to tell her no, we don't. I don't know why we didn't get any grants. I don't know why all our fundraising efforts fell short. I don't know why God doesn't want them to go. It's hard to write this even now because it hurts so much to think of leaving them behind when they've been as much a part of this as I have. I want them to be with us when we see Rowan for the first time. I want them to see where he comes from. I want, I want, I want. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what they want. Some prayers get answered the way we hope they will and some don't. This one didn't. Oh how it hurts. I know I have to trust God about this and I do but I sure don't understand. I suppose that is what trusting God is all about though; leaning on him when you can't see and don't understand. It is so hard though to watch a child (or two) try to be brave and try to fight back tears and have no words of comfort for them. I cried myself.
Adrian and I made the difficult decision today not to take the girls with us. We tried everything we could think of to make it work but it wasn't enough. Our tickets are $1800+ each and to take the three of them would have wiped out our savings. Once upon a time I would have been willing to do that but now with the economy so shaky it just wouldn't be wise. It breaks my heart though. They prayed every day and night that we would be able to go as a family. This week Teagan put a $5 dollar bill in our adoption jar. "Do you know what I want more than money, Mom," she said to me. I was afraid to ask as I saw her standing with that jar in her hand. "I want this adoption." I had to turn away I was going to cry. Henley asks every day how much money we have. She more than the other two wants to go so badly. "Do we have enough money, Mom, do we have enough money?" I don't have the heart to tell her no, we don't. I don't know why we didn't get any grants. I don't know why all our fundraising efforts fell short. I don't know why God doesn't want them to go. It's hard to write this even now because it hurts so much to think of leaving them behind when they've been as much a part of this as I have. I want them to be with us when we see Rowan for the first time. I want them to see where he comes from. I want, I want, I want. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what they want. Some prayers get answered the way we hope they will and some don't. This one didn't. Oh how it hurts. I know I have to trust God about this and I do but I sure don't understand. I suppose that is what trusting God is all about though; leaning on him when you can't see and don't understand. It is so hard though to watch a child (or two) try to be brave and try to fight back tears and have no words of comfort for them. I cried myself.
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