Monday, November 10, 2008

Update on Kidus

Grace is in Ethiopia so I've gotten a very short update on my soon-to-be son. As any PAP would tell you any information is very much appreciated but it is never enough. It is like having just a taste of something delectable. It always leaves you wanting more. Unfortunately, the information she had for me didn't ease my mind. She wrote that the two times she saw him he was in a bad mood! What does this mean? He's only four months old. How can a four-month-old be in a bad mood? Of course, I worried. Could there be something wrong that is causing him to be cranky? Is he sick? Does he need more food, more attention, more love? Does he need his momma cause his momma sure needs him. December 12 can't come around fast enough. Oh, I just want him home. Home with me. Home with his dad, with his sisters. Home where he belongs. Lord, please bring him home soon. SOON! I mustn't stop praying. I must leave nothing to chance. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and it is taking more faith then I have most days. I don't know how anyone could do this and not know God. It is unfathomable to me because this process is so long, so arduous, so unpredictable, so scary, so exciting, so joyful. God has been there for those scary moments when I've had to throw up my hands and say "take the wheel, Lord" and for those joyous moments when I just scream "thank you Lord, thank you." He is always one step ahead of me and is a pioneer in my day. Isn't that comforting! Thank you Lord for adopting me as your child. Thank you for choosing me to be an adoptive mom. Thank you for my little boy. Thank you for being a pioneer in my life, for going before me and paving the way. Thank you Lord.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Disappointment!

I had hoped to hear from Shaohannah's Hope about our grant application before leaving for Victoria on Saturday and today I got my wish. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Nothing. We got nothing. NOTHING! It wasn't just disappointment I felt when I read their very nicely worded rejection form letter. I was surprised, really surprised. I truly thought, believed, and I guess hoped that they would bless us. I cried, of course. I felt fear too because this blow starts to shatter the dream I have of taking the girls with us to Ethiopia when we pick up Kidus. Probably I should give up this dream. That way when we need to make the difficult decision about taking the girls or not taking them it won't hurt so bad. But I'm not going to. I'm going to hope for that miracle until we've checked our bags and made it through security. I just can't imagine kissing them goodbye and getting on that plane without them. It doesn't make sense to me. They have been a part of this process from the beginning, supporting us, encouraging us, and praying for us, for Kidus, and for all orphans. We have to take them and I sure hope we find a way. How can I tell them they can't come? So we've been rejected by two grant agencies. We have two more apps out there. Maybe they will bless us. I know how hard I've prayed and how hard Henley has prayed for this. God hears our prayers. He has a plan and this rejection must have been a part of his plan. I'm reminded how I should give thanks in all circumstances because this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. It's not always easy and I had to preface my prayers today by admitting that I was angry and confused and angry and yes, bitter. Why not us? Why is raising money for us so hard. Our spaghetti dinner: so much work for so little. Adrian losing extra jobs this summer. Not getting his promised raise. Our garage sale (not my mom's): again so little payoff. Me trying my hand at selling on ebay: profit: $3. Arrhhhhh! We've tried, by golly, we've tried but it's just not working. Oh well. God has a plan. I just wish He'd let me in on it.