A Referrel?

Gothcha! No, no referrel yet though I got an email from Grace, our agency's coordinator, saying she would be making baby boy referrels soon! I think I wrote (or I meant to) that I was o.k. not getting a referrel right away because I just wasn't ready yet. Just thinking about it made me nervous. What had I gotten myself and this family into? Another baby? Haven't I just gotten to the point where I can breathe? O.k. I homeschool, so not really, but the girls are finally old enough to buckle themselves into their carseats, use the toilet themselves, make their own breakfast, help clear the table after dinner, make their beds. Yes, that includes Teagan, though she rarely does it. I'm sure breakfast in bed for A and me is just around the corner. LOL. Soon it'll be back to stinky diapers and sleepless nights. No breastfeeding this time (or can I?) Formula instead. Do you know how much that stuff costs? Yowsers! Car seats, snowsuits, hi-chairs, strained peas and mashed carrots. Yuck! Lots of little onesies to wash. A little dupa to clean. A tiny nose to kiss. A smooth, round belly to tickle. A soft head on my shoulder. Ten new toes to count. One day, a new voice that says "mama." O.k. Enough. I can't wait for that phone call. I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like. What will I be doing at the time? Will I be schooling or on my way out the door? Whose turn will it be to answer the phone? Will A be here or at work? I remember where I was and what I was doing when I first heard about 9-11. It is seared on my brain. I hope this is the same but obviously, in a good way. It's comforting to think that God knows the answer to all the questions above and the ones I haven't even thought to ask. How I love God! He is so good!

Thinking Ahead

We don't have a referrel yet and quite frankly, I'm glad. When I think about having that picture I get so scared. Right now I feel safe. Safe, you say. What do you mean? Well, I've been faithful to the voice of God and said yes to this adventure of adoption and I'm committed to it but if I can compare adopting to crossing a deep lake, at this point in the process I've only had to wander out up to my knees. I can still see the shore. I can run back if I want to. (I don't.) Of course, I get anxious to get that referrel and I want to move forward in this process but there is the allure of safety that has grounded me to this spot. I'm comfortable with my feet in two different worlds. I lurk on the Hope website, reading about everyone else's adventure, glad there are so many who have gone before me paving the way. When it is my turn will I be as brave as they? Will I have the courage I need to go? I am reminded that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed. Do I not even have that? I've been through the ringer in the past two years. Certainly these trials and tribulations have made me stronger. Or maybe there is nothing that can prepare one for this special journey. I don't mean motherhood, per se. I'm already a mother. I have three girls. I mean being a mother to an adopted child. A boy child. A black child. I suppose I could read some books, take an online class, talk to someone but I probably won't. Well, maybe I'll talk to someone if I get the chance. I'm not much of a reader, as I've mentioned before. Probably what I'll do is what I did after my first child was born. Take each day as it comes. Learn from my mistakes, all six of them, I mean six hundred. LOL. Trust in God who led me into the lake and who will be with me all the way to the other side.

A Gold Medal!

My husband woke me up at 5:40 this morning screaming. No, he wasn't having a nightmare. Just the opposite. He was celebrating! His dad's team, the Canadian men's eight (rowing) won the gold medal in Beijing! Oh, maybe I should tell those who don't know me well, my father-in-law is an olympic coach for Canada. He coaches men's rowing. Ad got up and watched it live online. I don't have the nerve to watch these big races live. I have to find out the result and then watch. Yeah, so I'm a bit of a wuss. I just get too nervous. I couldn't even watch the Steelers play in the super bowl a few years back and they won too. I've never seen Ad so happy as he was this morning. He cried big fat happy tears. We went out to dinner to celebrate! We never go out to eat but hey, olympic gold medals don't come along all the often. Go Canada!

On another note, I ran a personal best this morning in the Hamot 10k. I set out to come in the top three but I came in fifth instead (out of 177 women). The competition was just too steep. Still, I averaged 6:40 miles and then nearly threw up a lung when I crossed the finish line. Later, as I watched all these two and three year-olds run in the toddler trot (my own kids went to church this morning with A while I ran my race) I thought "that's going to be my son next year." It was my turn to be overcome with emotion. I can't wait till next year. Of course, I might just have to do the 5k. The 10k is just way to painful.

What happened to the Grapevine?

I went back home last week for my cousin's wedding and found out that not all my relatives know we are adopting! Communication was never our strength but wow, something this big I would have thought would have made the rounds of the grapevine. Obviously not. It begs the question, where did the communication fail and why? For those of you who don't know me, I grew up in Ohio where most of my family still lives. I now live two hours away in Pennsylvania so I don't see all my aunts, uncles, and cousins all that often. We were at my mom and dad's at Easter when my nine-year-old daughter let it slip that we were adopting. This slip came about a week after my older sister announced she was pregnant again. Her news was very welcome and exciting as she suffered two miscarriages in two years. Now we didn't get a lot of excitement over our news from my family, a bit of a surprise, but not a big deal. I knew deep down they supported us and they've proven this over the last five months. So why isn't the news of our "paper pregnancy" being circulated? I'd love to cast the blame on anyone but myself but I'm afraid that that wouldn't be fair. As excited as I was to start the adoption process I wasn't excited to talk about it with anyone who wasn't going through it or gone through it. Having said that, if anyone asked me anything about adoption or Ethiopia I was more than happy to rattle on and on and on. Very rarely though, would I iniate conversation. Simply put, this is my nature. I am not a talker. I don't share easily, make friends easily, or open up quickly. I can talk though. When we were having a spaghetti dinner I spoke in front of three different church groups about adoption, Ethiopia, and orphans. I found it a joy and privilege to do so. Put me in front of a large group of people and ask me to speak, no problem. Small talk? No can do! I do recognize my, oh how should I say it, obligation, duty, need, to speak as a PAP on behalf of my someday son and all orphans for that matter. I know this but I probably won't ever have the nerve to start a conversation in the grocery store line so I've started this blog instead. I'm not much of a reader or writer for that matter. I just don't have the attention span. It's taken me nearly a week to write this little thing but I will try. I will try. For my little son who I don't even know yet. I will try.