Thinking Ahead

We don't have a referrel yet and quite frankly, I'm glad. When I think about having that picture I get so scared. Right now I feel safe. Safe, you say. What do you mean? Well, I've been faithful to the voice of God and said yes to this adventure of adoption and I'm committed to it but if I can compare adopting to crossing a deep lake, at this point in the process I've only had to wander out up to my knees. I can still see the shore. I can run back if I want to. (I don't.) Of course, I get anxious to get that referrel and I want to move forward in this process but there is the allure of safety that has grounded me to this spot. I'm comfortable with my feet in two different worlds. I lurk on the Hope website, reading about everyone else's adventure, glad there are so many who have gone before me paving the way. When it is my turn will I be as brave as they? Will I have the courage I need to go? I am reminded that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed. Do I not even have that? I've been through the ringer in the past two years. Certainly these trials and tribulations have made me stronger. Or maybe there is nothing that can prepare one for this special journey. I don't mean motherhood, per se. I'm already a mother. I have three girls. I mean being a mother to an adopted child. A boy child. A black child. I suppose I could read some books, take an online class, talk to someone but I probably won't. Well, maybe I'll talk to someone if I get the chance. I'm not much of a reader, as I've mentioned before. Probably what I'll do is what I did after my first child was born. Take each day as it comes. Learn from my mistakes, all six of them, I mean six hundred. LOL. Trust in God who led me into the lake and who will be with me all the way to the other side.