Goodbye Good Ole USA, Hello Ethiopia!

We leave tomorrow and I can't think of anything to write about. Henley asked me if I was excited and I said, "I will be tomorrow." I'm not excited nor am I nervous anymore. It's all so unreal that I feel very little. Now tomorrow I probably will be excited and nervous but now...
I feel very blessed. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my country. I love my church. I love getting up in the morning and going for a run. It's good for my body and my brain. After I shower and I'm enjoying a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of green tea I feel such satisfaction. When I miss a cardiovascular workout my days just aren't so nice. I'll admit, I'm a little grumpy. I realize that in two weeks when I bring a six-month-old home those morning runs may be a thing of the past, at least temporarily. Of course, the weather in January in Erie usually puts a damper on an hour-long run anyway but.......my point is, my life as I know it now is about to change in a big way. I'm o.k. with that. Actually, I guess I am excited. I already love my son and I can't wait to meet him. However, I know that when we bring him home there is going to be this big adjustment period where we will all have to reconfigure our lives. I homeschool so I will probably have to lower my standards a bit and have the girls do as much independent work as possible. We already have Rowan's carseat in the van and boy is it cramped. The girls have to crawl under it to get to their seats. We put the crib up in our room and there is barely room to walk. I cleared out two drawers in my dresser for Rowan's clothes and there is no room for more. That's o.k. though. Boy's clothes just aren't as cute as girl's. I realize life is going to be different but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very good thing. God often wants us to let go of the good so that He can lead us to something better. Our life in Erie has been very comfortable which we have enjoyed but God doesn't always want us to be comfortable. He wants us to rely on him completely and that often means going to the unknown. For us, that unknown will lead us to Ethiopia to a boy just six-months old who will change our lives forever. Yeah, I guess I am excited. Thank you God for this great adventure and thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive throughout this journey. We have had nothing but help, encouragement, and excitement from family and friends. You all must know how much that means to us, to know we are not alone in this. We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

Nerves of Noodles

I woke up Thursday morning early and realized right away that OMG (oh my gosh) it's one week from today that we leave for Ethiopia! My nerves are all over the place. I've got that butterfly in my tummy-thing going all the time. I can't even begin to explain all the thoughts that are running through my head. I know everyone is so excited for us and the girls are beside themselves with excitement and joy but I'm running the gammot of emotions from elation to "what have I got myself into?". I'll be honest with you, I'm scared. Really quite frightened. To start with I'm afraid to fly. I hate it. We have three flights going: Cleveland to New York. New York to Dubai. Dubai to Addis Ababa. That middle flight to Dubai is 12 hours. On the way back it's 14! Fourteen hours with a six-month-old who just met us. Man, do we need some major prayer cover. Please, please remember to pray for us.
I'm also afraid of what I'm going to see there. We all know poverty exists but most of us never have to look it in the face. My courage fails me on this. To be honest I'd really like to continue to be ignorant about how the other half lives. I don't want to see three-year-olds begging in the street or see people so thin they barely exist. The despair, the hopelessness, the desperation. And how am I going to look at all the children in the orphanage (the lucky ones) who are hoping I'm their mommy, hoping it's finally their turn to go home, to have a family. How can I love on my son and ignore all the other children desperate for attention? It hurts to think about it and I really wish I could bypass this pain. In China they bring your child to you in a hotel. You never set foot in an orphanage. I suppose they don't want you to know but I get to know and I get to see. I get to see how these children live, where my son comes from, and meet who takes care of him. Isn't that grand? Isn't it? Oh how easy life is now. And how about in six months or a year? When I'm home and these pictures are just that, pictures in my camera and in my head. If they never go beyond that... what good are they? How can I see and not do? Isn't faith without actions dead? Yet, I'm not an action girl, never was. I'm quite passive, really. I always want to do more, wish I could do more, admire people who do do more and one day hope that I will do more. Maybe this time will be that time. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I've got food in my belly and a house full of toys. I've got family, friends, and faith. It's so easy to be content and lazy when life is easy. I don't want to be lazy but it sure is nice being comfortable. I think for now, at least, God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He is leading me somewhere very uncomfortable but he is not leaving me. He will not abandon me. He will not forsake me. I will go where he leads and I'll try to be brave. I'll try to be strong. I'll do what I can and pray that is enough, until he leads me somewhere else.

Travel Date: January 1!

It'll be one week tomorrow since we passed court and it'll be two weeks today that we leave for Ethiopia! Wow! We were originally told our embassy date was January 14 but that is Ethiopian New Year so it has been moved to January 7, which happens to be Ethiopian Christmas. What a whirlwind. Instead of having 4 1/2 weeks till travel we now have two and of course, our Christmas falls in the middle so I am trying to prepare for this trip, gather paperwork, Christmas shop, home school, and oh yeah, make dinner, do laundry, vacuum, grocery shop, work out...I could go on and on. Hey, and I'm not stressed. Not yet at least. Next week, who knows.
Adrian and I made the difficult decision today not to take the girls with us. We tried everything we could think of to make it work but it wasn't enough. Our tickets are $1800+ each and to take the three of them would have wiped out our savings. Once upon a time I would have been willing to do that but now with the economy so shaky it just wouldn't be wise. It breaks my heart though. They prayed every day and night that we would be able to go as a family. This week Teagan put a $5 dollar bill in our adoption jar. "Do you know what I want more than money, Mom," she said to me. I was afraid to ask as I saw her standing with that jar in her hand. "I want this adoption." I had to turn away I was going to cry. Henley asks every day how much money we have. She more than the other two wants to go so badly. "Do we have enough money, Mom, do we have enough money?" I don't have the heart to tell her no, we don't. I don't know why we didn't get any grants. I don't know why all our fundraising efforts fell short. I don't know why God doesn't want them to go. It's hard to write this even now because it hurts so much to think of leaving them behind when they've been as much a part of this as I have. I want them to be with us when we see Rowan for the first time. I want them to see where he comes from. I want, I want, I want. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what they want. Some prayers get answered the way we hope they will and some don't. This one didn't. Oh how it hurts. I know I have to trust God about this and I do but I sure don't understand. I suppose that is what trusting God is all about though; leaning on him when you can't see and don't understand. It is so hard though to watch a child (or two) try to be brave and try to fight back tears and have no words of comfort for them. I cried myself.

WE HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An early morning phone call brought the news I was so hoping to hear. "Congratulations, you passed!" Wow! What a wonderful moment. Only Henley was up to hear the good news so we enjoyed a quick hug and then climbed back into bed to stave off the morning chill as we waited for the other two to get up and for Adrian to come home from practice.
While this may seem to be the beginning of the end I realize that it is actually the beginning of the...beginning. Our paper pregnancy is almost over but raising this child is what it is all about. We haven't had a baby in the house in five years. I don't remember what it's like to be at the beck and call of a child who can't do anything for himself. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all that fun stuff again. I'm not, but I can say I can't wait to do it all again. January 12 can't come soon enough.
During my quiet time with God today I turned to Psalms and came upon Psalm 40 which I had previously partially hi-lighted. For those of you who know me, you will understand why it speaks so personally to me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:1-3
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
Psalm 40:6-8

I did say yes to adoption but it wasn't an easy yes to say. Even last night I lay awake thinking of all the "what ifs." What if he's sick? What if he doesn't sleep? What if he has learning disabilities? I could go on but I suppose the biggest what if would be what if I said no? What if I had said NO?! I shudder to think. What would I be missing? What would this family be missing?
What about you?

Friday is the Big Day!

After being away for a month and home now for a week the countdown to our court date is just about over. Tomorrow, September 12 is the big day. After having three children will I finally be able to say "it's a boy!"? Only God knows and He is keeping mum, much to my annoyance. I would like a hint, a clue, a sign, something, anything. Should I be preparing myself for bitter disappointment? Not that I'd be able to. I'm the type that hopes till hope has long sailed away. Needless to say, I often end up hurt. Maybe tomorrow I will go to bed hurt, angry, and bitter. I know we could be denied for any number of reasons. Sometimes I wonder if my medical history might cause problems. I think that is a possibility though I hope not. Maybe our rep won't show up. Maybe our paperwork won't be in order. Maybe the judge will be in a bad mood. Maybe there will be no hearings tomorrow for unknown reasons. Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many possibilities.
I had a restless night last night full of tossing and turning, strange dreams about snakes shedding their skins, and broken prayers. My prayers which should be so focused have been so scattered and confused. Someone said to me this morning that God wouldn't lead us this far and then abandon us. True, but He could shut the door. Someone else said that sometimes God pushes the "pause" button. I like that analogy. It makes more sense to me than saying God has His own timing. I don't know why but it does. I wonder if He's pushed that pause button for us. If He has, it'll hurt. I believe in God's timing and I know he's got more sense than me but the problem is that He doesn't often give explanations for this timing. I guess it's only a problem for me, not God.
I'm not sure when I'll hear tomorrow or even how I'll hear. I think Grace emails instead of calls but we'll see. I know this. I'll go to bed praying, wake up praying and pray through my workout. I'll go to bed hoping for the best, wake up hoping for the best and hope until I hear otherwise.
If God listens to the prayers of children, we've got this in the bag.