Goodbye Good Ole USA, Hello Ethiopia!

We leave tomorrow and I can't think of anything to write about. Henley asked me if I was excited and I said, "I will be tomorrow." I'm not excited nor am I nervous anymore. It's all so unreal that I feel very little. Now tomorrow I probably will be excited and nervous but now...
I feel very blessed. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my country. I love my church. I love getting up in the morning and going for a run. It's good for my body and my brain. After I shower and I'm enjoying a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of green tea I feel such satisfaction. When I miss a cardiovascular workout my days just aren't so nice. I'll admit, I'm a little grumpy. I realize that in two weeks when I bring a six-month-old home those morning runs may be a thing of the past, at least temporarily. Of course, the weather in January in Erie usually puts a damper on an hour-long run anyway but.......my point is, my life as I know it now is about to change in a big way. I'm o.k. with that. Actually, I guess I am excited. I already love my son and I can't wait to meet him. However, I know that when we bring him home there is going to be this big adjustment period where we will all have to reconfigure our lives. I homeschool so I will probably have to lower my standards a bit and have the girls do as much independent work as possible. We already have Rowan's carseat in the van and boy is it cramped. The girls have to crawl under it to get to their seats. We put the crib up in our room and there is barely room to walk. I cleared out two drawers in my dresser for Rowan's clothes and there is no room for more. That's o.k. though. Boy's clothes just aren't as cute as girl's. I realize life is going to be different but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very good thing. God often wants us to let go of the good so that He can lead us to something better. Our life in Erie has been very comfortable which we have enjoyed but God doesn't always want us to be comfortable. He wants us to rely on him completely and that often means going to the unknown. For us, that unknown will lead us to Ethiopia to a boy just six-months old who will change our lives forever. Yeah, I guess I am excited. Thank you God for this great adventure and thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive throughout this journey. We have had nothing but help, encouragement, and excitement from family and friends. You all must know how much that means to us, to know we are not alone in this. We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

Nerves of Noodles

I woke up Thursday morning early and realized right away that OMG (oh my gosh) it's one week from today that we leave for Ethiopia! My nerves are all over the place. I've got that butterfly in my tummy-thing going all the time. I can't even begin to explain all the thoughts that are running through my head. I know everyone is so excited for us and the girls are beside themselves with excitement and joy but I'm running the gammot of emotions from elation to "what have I got myself into?". I'll be honest with you, I'm scared. Really quite frightened. To start with I'm afraid to fly. I hate it. We have three flights going: Cleveland to New York. New York to Dubai. Dubai to Addis Ababa. That middle flight to Dubai is 12 hours. On the way back it's 14! Fourteen hours with a six-month-old who just met us. Man, do we need some major prayer cover. Please, please remember to pray for us.
I'm also afraid of what I'm going to see there. We all know poverty exists but most of us never have to look it in the face. My courage fails me on this. To be honest I'd really like to continue to be ignorant about how the other half lives. I don't want to see three-year-olds begging in the street or see people so thin they barely exist. The despair, the hopelessness, the desperation. And how am I going to look at all the children in the orphanage (the lucky ones) who are hoping I'm their mommy, hoping it's finally their turn to go home, to have a family. How can I love on my son and ignore all the other children desperate for attention? It hurts to think about it and I really wish I could bypass this pain. In China they bring your child to you in a hotel. You never set foot in an orphanage. I suppose they don't want you to know but I get to know and I get to see. I get to see how these children live, where my son comes from, and meet who takes care of him. Isn't that grand? Isn't it? Oh how easy life is now. And how about in six months or a year? When I'm home and these pictures are just that, pictures in my camera and in my head. If they never go beyond that... what good are they? How can I see and not do? Isn't faith without actions dead? Yet, I'm not an action girl, never was. I'm quite passive, really. I always want to do more, wish I could do more, admire people who do do more and one day hope that I will do more. Maybe this time will be that time. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I've got food in my belly and a house full of toys. I've got family, friends, and faith. It's so easy to be content and lazy when life is easy. I don't want to be lazy but it sure is nice being comfortable. I think for now, at least, God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He is leading me somewhere very uncomfortable but he is not leaving me. He will not abandon me. He will not forsake me. I will go where he leads and I'll try to be brave. I'll try to be strong. I'll do what I can and pray that is enough, until he leads me somewhere else.

Travel Date: January 1!

It'll be one week tomorrow since we passed court and it'll be two weeks today that we leave for Ethiopia! Wow! We were originally told our embassy date was January 14 but that is Ethiopian New Year so it has been moved to January 7, which happens to be Ethiopian Christmas. What a whirlwind. Instead of having 4 1/2 weeks till travel we now have two and of course, our Christmas falls in the middle so I am trying to prepare for this trip, gather paperwork, Christmas shop, home school, and oh yeah, make dinner, do laundry, vacuum, grocery shop, work out...I could go on and on. Hey, and I'm not stressed. Not yet at least. Next week, who knows.
Adrian and I made the difficult decision today not to take the girls with us. We tried everything we could think of to make it work but it wasn't enough. Our tickets are $1800+ each and to take the three of them would have wiped out our savings. Once upon a time I would have been willing to do that but now with the economy so shaky it just wouldn't be wise. It breaks my heart though. They prayed every day and night that we would be able to go as a family. This week Teagan put a $5 dollar bill in our adoption jar. "Do you know what I want more than money, Mom," she said to me. I was afraid to ask as I saw her standing with that jar in her hand. "I want this adoption." I had to turn away I was going to cry. Henley asks every day how much money we have. She more than the other two wants to go so badly. "Do we have enough money, Mom, do we have enough money?" I don't have the heart to tell her no, we don't. I don't know why we didn't get any grants. I don't know why all our fundraising efforts fell short. I don't know why God doesn't want them to go. It's hard to write this even now because it hurts so much to think of leaving them behind when they've been as much a part of this as I have. I want them to be with us when we see Rowan for the first time. I want them to see where he comes from. I want, I want, I want. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what they want. Some prayers get answered the way we hope they will and some don't. This one didn't. Oh how it hurts. I know I have to trust God about this and I do but I sure don't understand. I suppose that is what trusting God is all about though; leaning on him when you can't see and don't understand. It is so hard though to watch a child (or two) try to be brave and try to fight back tears and have no words of comfort for them. I cried myself.

WE HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An early morning phone call brought the news I was so hoping to hear. "Congratulations, you passed!" Wow! What a wonderful moment. Only Henley was up to hear the good news so we enjoyed a quick hug and then climbed back into bed to stave off the morning chill as we waited for the other two to get up and for Adrian to come home from practice.
While this may seem to be the beginning of the end I realize that it is actually the beginning of the...beginning. Our paper pregnancy is almost over but raising this child is what it is all about. We haven't had a baby in the house in five years. I don't remember what it's like to be at the beck and call of a child who can't do anything for himself. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all that fun stuff again. I'm not, but I can say I can't wait to do it all again. January 12 can't come soon enough.
During my quiet time with God today I turned to Psalms and came upon Psalm 40 which I had previously partially hi-lighted. For those of you who know me, you will understand why it speaks so personally to me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:1-3
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
Psalm 40:6-8

I did say yes to adoption but it wasn't an easy yes to say. Even last night I lay awake thinking of all the "what ifs." What if he's sick? What if he doesn't sleep? What if he has learning disabilities? I could go on but I suppose the biggest what if would be what if I said no? What if I had said NO?! I shudder to think. What would I be missing? What would this family be missing?
What about you?

Friday is the Big Day!

After being away for a month and home now for a week the countdown to our court date is just about over. Tomorrow, September 12 is the big day. After having three children will I finally be able to say "it's a boy!"? Only God knows and He is keeping mum, much to my annoyance. I would like a hint, a clue, a sign, something, anything. Should I be preparing myself for bitter disappointment? Not that I'd be able to. I'm the type that hopes till hope has long sailed away. Needless to say, I often end up hurt. Maybe tomorrow I will go to bed hurt, angry, and bitter. I know we could be denied for any number of reasons. Sometimes I wonder if my medical history might cause problems. I think that is a possibility though I hope not. Maybe our rep won't show up. Maybe our paperwork won't be in order. Maybe the judge will be in a bad mood. Maybe there will be no hearings tomorrow for unknown reasons. Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many possibilities.
I had a restless night last night full of tossing and turning, strange dreams about snakes shedding their skins, and broken prayers. My prayers which should be so focused have been so scattered and confused. Someone said to me this morning that God wouldn't lead us this far and then abandon us. True, but He could shut the door. Someone else said that sometimes God pushes the "pause" button. I like that analogy. It makes more sense to me than saying God has His own timing. I don't know why but it does. I wonder if He's pushed that pause button for us. If He has, it'll hurt. I believe in God's timing and I know he's got more sense than me but the problem is that He doesn't often give explanations for this timing. I guess it's only a problem for me, not God.
I'm not sure when I'll hear tomorrow or even how I'll hear. I think Grace emails instead of calls but we'll see. I know this. I'll go to bed praying, wake up praying and pray through my workout. I'll go to bed hoping for the best, wake up hoping for the best and hope until I hear otherwise.
If God listens to the prayers of children, we've got this in the bag.

Update on Kidus

Grace is in Ethiopia so I've gotten a very short update on my soon-to-be son. As any PAP would tell you any information is very much appreciated but it is never enough. It is like having just a taste of something delectable. It always leaves you wanting more. Unfortunately, the information she had for me didn't ease my mind. She wrote that the two times she saw him he was in a bad mood! What does this mean? He's only four months old. How can a four-month-old be in a bad mood? Of course, I worried. Could there be something wrong that is causing him to be cranky? Is he sick? Does he need more food, more attention, more love? Does he need his momma cause his momma sure needs him. December 12 can't come around fast enough. Oh, I just want him home. Home with me. Home with his dad, with his sisters. Home where he belongs. Lord, please bring him home soon. SOON! I mustn't stop praying. I must leave nothing to chance. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and it is taking more faith then I have most days. I don't know how anyone could do this and not know God. It is unfathomable to me because this process is so long, so arduous, so unpredictable, so scary, so exciting, so joyful. God has been there for those scary moments when I've had to throw up my hands and say "take the wheel, Lord" and for those joyous moments when I just scream "thank you Lord, thank you." He is always one step ahead of me and is a pioneer in my day. Isn't that comforting! Thank you Lord for adopting me as your child. Thank you for choosing me to be an adoptive mom. Thank you for my little boy. Thank you for being a pioneer in my life, for going before me and paving the way. Thank you Lord.

Disappointment!

I had hoped to hear from Shaohannah's Hope about our grant application before leaving for Victoria on Saturday and today I got my wish. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Nothing. We got nothing. NOTHING! It wasn't just disappointment I felt when I read their very nicely worded rejection form letter. I was surprised, really surprised. I truly thought, believed, and I guess hoped that they would bless us. I cried, of course. I felt fear too because this blow starts to shatter the dream I have of taking the girls with us to Ethiopia when we pick up Kidus. Probably I should give up this dream. That way when we need to make the difficult decision about taking the girls or not taking them it won't hurt so bad. But I'm not going to. I'm going to hope for that miracle until we've checked our bags and made it through security. I just can't imagine kissing them goodbye and getting on that plane without them. It doesn't make sense to me. They have been a part of this process from the beginning, supporting us, encouraging us, and praying for us, for Kidus, and for all orphans. We have to take them and I sure hope we find a way. How can I tell them they can't come? So we've been rejected by two grant agencies. We have two more apps out there. Maybe they will bless us. I know how hard I've prayed and how hard Henley has prayed for this. God hears our prayers. He has a plan and this rejection must have been a part of his plan. I'm reminded how I should give thanks in all circumstances because this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. It's not always easy and I had to preface my prayers today by admitting that I was angry and confused and angry and yes, bitter. Why not us? Why is raising money for us so hard. Our spaghetti dinner: so much work for so little. Adrian losing extra jobs this summer. Not getting his promised raise. Our garage sale (not my mom's): again so little payoff. Me trying my hand at selling on ebay: profit: $3. Arrhhhhh! We've tried, by golly, we've tried but it's just not working. Oh well. God has a plan. I just wish He'd let me in on it.

So In Love with my Boy

It sure didn't take long. I have fallen head over heels in love with my little boy. I've never touched his face, heard his cry, or had his little fist grasp my finger yet my heart aches for him; my arms long to hold him. I stare at his picture. I touch it with my finger willing him to feel my love over thousands of miles. I wonder. I pray. Will he love me? I never thought this with my other three. I never doubted they would love me. They do. I loved them before I met them too. Fiercely, like a mother should. This love is not different but it's not the same either. I can't do anything for Kidus now but pray. And pray I do, about everything. I want to leave nothing to chance. I pray about his physical, spiritual, and emotional health. I pray for his care givers. I pray this process will go smooth and God will iron out any wrinkles that pop up. I pray that Kidus will bond with us and we with him. I even pray we will choose the right name for him. We have it narrowed down to two: Rowan (Rowen) Michael Kidus Spracklen and Leif Michael Kidus Spracklen. I prayed for Rowan for a week and now I'm going to pray for Leif. I know God knows exactly who I am talking about. I have seen first-hand how powerful pray is. I could give lots of examples but I'll just give two here. I've wanted to adopt for so long but Adrian was not that interested to say the least. Knowing all the talk in the world wouldn't change his heart I turned to God. Sure, it took about five years of faithful prayer but God did change his heart. Adrian is body, mind, and soul in this adoption. It is wonderful to go through this arduous process with him instead of fighting all the fights myself. Yes, God is good! This next example is more recent. After weeks of expecting a phone call about Kidus' court date that never came, I finally emailed Grace. We received the bad news that not only had they not filed Kidus for court yet but that they wouldn't be doing any filing for the time being because MOWA (Ministry of Women's Affairs) was requiring additional information on relinguished and abandoned kids. I must point out that I cannot blame Hope. This is just one of those frustrating hold-ups that happen so frequently in international adoption. Nonetheless, this was devastating news as we were expecting to receive a court date for mid-November. Now I wondered if we would even get one before the end of the year. I sent out an urgent email to my sisters and my mom asking them to pray and to ask all they knew to pray. God listened and God moved on our behalf, on Kidus' behalf. Less than five days after the bad news email we received some good news. Hope has filed for Kidus' court date and is hopeful that it will be in December! I don't believe in coincidences. Do you?

Lean into Life!

My neighbors, Diane and Dave, and Adrian and I started an adoption and orphan ministry at our church this past summer. I'd like to say we had high hopes of people coming out of the woodwork to support it but we were pretty realistic in our expectations. Unfortunately, we were pretty accurate in these expectations. Not one person has come forward with interest in helping out with the ministry or with questions about adopting or sponsoring an orphan. Hey, this is what we thought would happen so I'm not devastated but I am getting to the point of anger at our christian community's passivity. What do I mean by this. I'm continually amazed at how people come to sunday school class and just sit there and allow the leader to speak at them instead of participating. (Hey, I'm guilty of this too, though I can't say the same for Adrian. You can always count on him to participate.) We allow ourselves to be taught but we take no part in the teaching. It doesn't make sense. To quote a Pepsi or Coke commericial, "Wake up people!". It doesn't make sense because in order to learn, in order to grow, we must actively participate in our own education, in our own lives. O.k. maybe that is confusing. What I mean is that just sitting and being preached at isn't good enough and it isn't what God intended for us. He gave us free will to make choices. He gave us a voice to speak, ears to listen, hands to do good works. It shouldn't be good enough that your friend, neighbor, acquaintance is doing good works. You cannot live vicariously in this way. It doesn't count. You must lean forward into life, not back or you will find one day when it is too late that life passed you by. Whoosh! This is not practice. This is the real thing and you only get one go. How can you sit on your proverbial couch and think that what you are doing is good enough? Get up! Get up! Move! Do something! Participate in life. I know it's hard to join; it's hard to be the new guy but you're not new to God. Remember He knew you before you were born. God wants more from you not because He's keeping score, but because He cares about you so much He doesn't want you to miss out on this beautiful life He gave you. He doesn't want you to get to the end of your life and have regret because you didn't fully enjoy the gift He gave you. O.k., who am I to preach at you? I'm certainly not perfect and I too let fear manipulate me into losing out on God's gifts. I'm not saying I'm better than you because I'm adopting. I'm here to encourage you to step out in faith. To say yes to God's calling on your life. He would never ask you to do something and then leave you to find your own way. He is there for the duration. So go on, take a chance. Take that first step. Hold tight to God's hand and you'll be amazed at where he leads you.

Our Referrel!!!

Well, Friday, September 12, 2008 started out like any other day. I got up, worked out, showered, ate breakfast, threw in a load of laundry, and started homeschooling. We didn't get far into our reading when the phone rang. Luca loves to answer the phone so I said she could but when it stopped ringing before she could pick up I was secretly glad. I didn't have time to talk. I hate starting to school and then having to stop. The phone rang again though not to much later. Luca answered and gave it to me. It was Grace! Oh my gosh! Thank goodness we didn't screen. I think she said "Are you ready for a referrel?" I wish I had that moment on tape because it was so surreal I just don't remember exactly what transpired. I mean I knew this moment would come and I suspected that it would happen in September but I really figured it would be closer to the end of the month, not the middle. I have always been very good at containing my emotions and I'm sure Grace was probably thinking "what's wrong with this woman? Does she want a referrel or what?" I mean I made small talk with her for pete's sake!! Anyway, on to the good stuff. His name is Kidus. He is two months old and his birthday is June 30, 2008! Wow! That was a shocker. I didn't expect him to be so young. He was abandoned so he had to go through a two month wait period before he could become available for adoption. It's sad that he was abandoned. We'll never know anything about his history but it's good too because it should allow him to pass court easily. I say that now. We'll see. The courts reopen September 28 so Hope should be able to schedule our court date for sometime in mid-November. If we pass that first time travel usually follows about four weeks later! Wow and wow again! She emailed me his picture. Just one, only one. Oh how I want a thousand photos. She was supposed to fax his profile to Adrian at work but it didn't come so we are still waiting on that. I called Adrian at work but of course, he wasn't there. We had to wait for him to call us back! Arhhh! It was about an hour later but oh what an hour! In that hour I sent the girls off to pray. I said we had to make sure this is the boy God wants us to have. About two minutes after I sent them off to pray, Teagan came back and told me that God said YES. How can you argue with that? God said yes. Out of the mouth of babes! What a wonderful, glorious day! How ordinary it started out. How extraordinary it ended! Have I mentioned before how much I love God!

A Referrel?

Gothcha! No, no referrel yet though I got an email from Grace, our agency's coordinator, saying she would be making baby boy referrels soon! I think I wrote (or I meant to) that I was o.k. not getting a referrel right away because I just wasn't ready yet. Just thinking about it made me nervous. What had I gotten myself and this family into? Another baby? Haven't I just gotten to the point where I can breathe? O.k. I homeschool, so not really, but the girls are finally old enough to buckle themselves into their carseats, use the toilet themselves, make their own breakfast, help clear the table after dinner, make their beds. Yes, that includes Teagan, though she rarely does it. I'm sure breakfast in bed for A and me is just around the corner. LOL. Soon it'll be back to stinky diapers and sleepless nights. No breastfeeding this time (or can I?) Formula instead. Do you know how much that stuff costs? Yowsers! Car seats, snowsuits, hi-chairs, strained peas and mashed carrots. Yuck! Lots of little onesies to wash. A little dupa to clean. A tiny nose to kiss. A smooth, round belly to tickle. A soft head on my shoulder. Ten new toes to count. One day, a new voice that says "mama." O.k. Enough. I can't wait for that phone call. I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like. What will I be doing at the time? Will I be schooling or on my way out the door? Whose turn will it be to answer the phone? Will A be here or at work? I remember where I was and what I was doing when I first heard about 9-11. It is seared on my brain. I hope this is the same but obviously, in a good way. It's comforting to think that God knows the answer to all the questions above and the ones I haven't even thought to ask. How I love God! He is so good!

Thinking Ahead

We don't have a referrel yet and quite frankly, I'm glad. When I think about having that picture I get so scared. Right now I feel safe. Safe, you say. What do you mean? Well, I've been faithful to the voice of God and said yes to this adventure of adoption and I'm committed to it but if I can compare adopting to crossing a deep lake, at this point in the process I've only had to wander out up to my knees. I can still see the shore. I can run back if I want to. (I don't.) Of course, I get anxious to get that referrel and I want to move forward in this process but there is the allure of safety that has grounded me to this spot. I'm comfortable with my feet in two different worlds. I lurk on the Hope website, reading about everyone else's adventure, glad there are so many who have gone before me paving the way. When it is my turn will I be as brave as they? Will I have the courage I need to go? I am reminded that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed. Do I not even have that? I've been through the ringer in the past two years. Certainly these trials and tribulations have made me stronger. Or maybe there is nothing that can prepare one for this special journey. I don't mean motherhood, per se. I'm already a mother. I have three girls. I mean being a mother to an adopted child. A boy child. A black child. I suppose I could read some books, take an online class, talk to someone but I probably won't. Well, maybe I'll talk to someone if I get the chance. I'm not much of a reader, as I've mentioned before. Probably what I'll do is what I did after my first child was born. Take each day as it comes. Learn from my mistakes, all six of them, I mean six hundred. LOL. Trust in God who led me into the lake and who will be with me all the way to the other side.

A Gold Medal!

My husband woke me up at 5:40 this morning screaming. No, he wasn't having a nightmare. Just the opposite. He was celebrating! His dad's team, the Canadian men's eight (rowing) won the gold medal in Beijing! Oh, maybe I should tell those who don't know me well, my father-in-law is an olympic coach for Canada. He coaches men's rowing. Ad got up and watched it live online. I don't have the nerve to watch these big races live. I have to find out the result and then watch. Yeah, so I'm a bit of a wuss. I just get too nervous. I couldn't even watch the Steelers play in the super bowl a few years back and they won too. I've never seen Ad so happy as he was this morning. He cried big fat happy tears. We went out to dinner to celebrate! We never go out to eat but hey, olympic gold medals don't come along all the often. Go Canada!

On another note, I ran a personal best this morning in the Hamot 10k. I set out to come in the top three but I came in fifth instead (out of 177 women). The competition was just too steep. Still, I averaged 6:40 miles and then nearly threw up a lung when I crossed the finish line. Later, as I watched all these two and three year-olds run in the toddler trot (my own kids went to church this morning with A while I ran my race) I thought "that's going to be my son next year." It was my turn to be overcome with emotion. I can't wait till next year. Of course, I might just have to do the 5k. The 10k is just way to painful.

What happened to the Grapevine?

I went back home last week for my cousin's wedding and found out that not all my relatives know we are adopting! Communication was never our strength but wow, something this big I would have thought would have made the rounds of the grapevine. Obviously not. It begs the question, where did the communication fail and why? For those of you who don't know me, I grew up in Ohio where most of my family still lives. I now live two hours away in Pennsylvania so I don't see all my aunts, uncles, and cousins all that often. We were at my mom and dad's at Easter when my nine-year-old daughter let it slip that we were adopting. This slip came about a week after my older sister announced she was pregnant again. Her news was very welcome and exciting as she suffered two miscarriages in two years. Now we didn't get a lot of excitement over our news from my family, a bit of a surprise, but not a big deal. I knew deep down they supported us and they've proven this over the last five months. So why isn't the news of our "paper pregnancy" being circulated? I'd love to cast the blame on anyone but myself but I'm afraid that that wouldn't be fair. As excited as I was to start the adoption process I wasn't excited to talk about it with anyone who wasn't going through it or gone through it. Having said that, if anyone asked me anything about adoption or Ethiopia I was more than happy to rattle on and on and on. Very rarely though, would I iniate conversation. Simply put, this is my nature. I am not a talker. I don't share easily, make friends easily, or open up quickly. I can talk though. When we were having a spaghetti dinner I spoke in front of three different church groups about adoption, Ethiopia, and orphans. I found it a joy and privilege to do so. Put me in front of a large group of people and ask me to speak, no problem. Small talk? No can do! I do recognize my, oh how should I say it, obligation, duty, need, to speak as a PAP on behalf of my someday son and all orphans for that matter. I know this but I probably won't ever have the nerve to start a conversation in the grocery store line so I've started this blog instead. I'm not much of a reader or writer for that matter. I just don't have the attention span. It's taken me nearly a week to write this little thing but I will try. I will try. For my little son who I don't even know yet. I will try.